reach your hand out and feel the breeze.

2011-08-04T14:01:00.002+08:00

rPOST 360.

This will probably be my last post for like a long period of time.

I will be going to Shanghai for internship for 3 months.
It may not be totally fantastic but I hereby promise myself that when I return

I will be more mature
I will be more disciplined
I will be tougher than ever
I will be better than ever
I will do my best for FYP

I will be more than ready to finish off the whole 3 years strongly.

After that, I will aim for UCL bartlett school of Architecture.

Goodbye Singapore.
I will be back better than ever.

Actions will speak louder than words.
I will always remind myself of that.

Goodbye.

2011-06-25T15:51:00.002+08:00

The future is daunting.

As time closes in and passes

I'm starting to ask myself...

What am I doing now?

If I really want architecture as my future

shouldn't I be making more effort to secure it?

Knowing that my results aren't good enough and etc.

Shouldn't I be looking for schools and scholarships for that?

I suddenly feel the need to work harder and just do it for the sake of something you really want.

It also suddenly became a question for me.

Am I killing myself for something that may not be meant for me?

Am I pursuing something that probably isn't meant to be?

Really.

I start to wonder.

Then again

I'm a person who love challenges but also gives in to intimidation.

Before you even try and you give up, that's the worst thing that can ever happen.

I'm never satisfied with the simplest of things and want to achieve better than I can give

But I always end up giving in to fear of failure.

I will always remember what Ernest told me

It's really about whether you are willing to put your life to the career you when

that even if life becomes like shitty and hellish you will still pull through

and embrace them all.

You love it so much that whatever comes your way

you're gonna pull through.

That really changed my perspective.

Will I be willing to put my ass off and work for something I love?

Hell yeah I would.

No second thoughts

But can I pull through failures and criticisms?

I doubt so. I fear and my pride resist it.

If there's anything I need to do now

I need to be disciplined.

I need to be focused.

I need to challenge myself and my fear.

I need to be confidence.

I need to make decisions like a man.

I can't define maturity.

I've realized maturity isn't define by what others think of you

saying you're a good boy or good person.

People say that when you're still a child.

But I'm no longer a child.

Children can refuse decision making

An adult can't.

That means I can't.

So maturity is different now.

It's probably more about making a stand for what you love and those decisions may not be right

but at least you made a decision.

It's about making most of the right decisions at the right time.

Yeah.

I realized I have a long way to go.

A long, long way to go.

I have to toughen up.

I have to grow up.

I have to learn and really follow what I love.

That time has to be now.

2011-06-23T00:49:00.002+08:00

Day by day...
I realized that there seems to be nothing to blog about.

As I looked back... I see a lot of self-motivational posts
many of which lasted for short moments.

Somehow looking at them again, it feels like they are really redundant.
This place has turned into a blog for ranting
It holds many of my ups and downs.
Moments where I felt like beating myself awake
Moments where I felt strong sense of achievement
Moments where I felt like the future is daunting...
and sometimes full of hope.

After chatting with Jeff today, the more I am convinced that good things don't come easy.
He had his ups and downs, he went through tough times but he pulled through.
Somehow, I'm starting to envision that every one of us will have a moment in life,
where it will be so mind-blowing it changes your life.
Somehow, I don't feel that mine's here yet.

It's a contradicting feeling.
Good because you feel that you have so many mistakes more
so much room for improvement
Bad because life is too short for you to wait for that moment to come
so scary that you have to take every mistakes with pride
never knowing when that moment will arrive and make you a better person.

Somehow, its really confusing.

Looking at myself
I see a failure. Yes it may just be that I'm lacking confidence... in fact a lot.
But I don't feel like I've achieved much yet.

I hate doubters.
In fact, I'd love to prove them wrong.
But this time round, I don't feel that strong urge to prove my capability.
It feels really strange.
It makes me feel useless.

Year 3 has really made me think about the notion of maturity
What is maturity? What is youth?
Somehow they seem to clash so much.
I sometimes wish to force maturity. In fact, I used to think I'm mature but I guess not.
I act childish and crack nonsensical jokes and then people question your maturity.

Life's too short for so many things.
All of us will live old to regret the things we didn't do.
Many of us have no ideas what are the right things to do.
Maybe that's the paradox of life.
You will never know when you are right and only when you have found out, you look back and realized the many things you hadn't been able to do. That's when you regret.

I want to make myself someone I can be proud of.
I want to live life to the fullest.
I want to earn respect.
I want to prove people wrong.
I want to do so many things.
I want to ...

Challenge myself.
I feel so much that the enemy is myself.

My fear, my indecisiveness, my lack of confidence, my immaturity
I feel that my greatest weakness is myself.

Many of the things I could have achieved, I stopped myself even before trying.

I feel the need to be good and be respectable.
If there's ever a better time to feel that way. Now's the time.

As I post this, it will eventually be part of the hundreds of rants I had.
It may be a passing moment.
It may be a memory or so.
I hope that it will still be meaningful.

2011-06-18T03:38:00.002+08:00

Somehow... I am starting to be more optimistic.

Despite the fact that the whole p3 process has been hectic

it seems like things are turning out for the better now.

First of all

I understand what my current scheme is all about.

For the very first time, I understand what it means to have a design concept.

It directs me towards my design and prevents me from being stuck.

For the very first time, i felt the ease of having a simple concept.

I am behind time, but I will work harder and smarter.

At least I know I'm on the right track.

Second of all

I was demoralized and depressed a week ago.

After talking to Ernest I felt better.

I was questioned about my ability to do Architecture.

I felt that I had no ability and no talent to compete.

I was lost.

then Ernest asked me this.

Would I prefer a job with security or a job with challenge?

Naturally, I would say challenges.

Even in basketball, I am always looking for challenges

But I always feel intimidated by failures and the unpredictable.

My answer was I would take challenges.

The whole point was not about whether you would fail or screw up your life over something

you feel that you can't do well

It was about whether you would be able to face all sorts of problems and still take them

with a passion and positive attitude

It was a question of whether you would commit your life to something that difficult.

It was that simple yet difficult to really achieve.

My answer was yes.

Last but not least,

I feel like I really like the whole IAD.

Maybe p3 helped bond us together

For some reason we are especially close this year.

Not just me or whoever but just the entire class.

I've always felt that poly would just be another academic process

I was wrong.

Our class IS something special.

I swear. I will miss this class

Whether or not design is our forte, we actually went through the whole shit together.

Seriously, IAD for the win.

Yeah... Okay shall go to sleep.

Gonna be another hell of a month ahead.

Good night people!

2011-06-12T11:39:00.002+08:00

I'm once again at a crossroad stage.

Last time was the whole stage of screwing up P3.
Now, It's made known to me that I can't handle architecture.

No, I don't blame anyone.
There's no point in doing so.

I'm just feeling lost and my head feels heavy currently.

But I'm not giving up.
Like Stephanie told me, just do what you love.
Grades are nothing, Design is bias.

But if you keep working hard and for the fact that you love it,
just do it.
It really doesn't matter what people think.

I've never felt so lost and demoralized in my whole life.
But all I can do is to really keep pushing myself.
Because at the end of this, all I can blame is myself for not pushing hard enough
for not even making the effort to give it a shot.

Everyone is going through the same shit as me.
Some show their tears, some don't.
In fact they show it behind us all.
Everyone goes under the same pressure

Don't apologize for things you had not done.
Saying sorry doesn't help in any way.
Yes I need to toughen up.
I need to man up.

No, I don't wanna prove that I can do architecture
That's not the whole point.
I still have FYP and NS to think about it.
But for now, all I can do is to continue working hard and smart.

Just don't give up.
Don't give up.

2011-06-07T22:06:00.002+08:00

THERE'S NO SHAME IN MAKING MISTAKES
LEARN FROM THEM.
HAVE THE FUCK THE WORLD ATTITUDE
BE CONFIDENT
UNTIL YOU BECOME CONFIDENT YOU WILL NEVER BE BETTER.

2011-06-06T02:13:00.004+08:00

Looking through tons of inspirational photos Nat shared earlier

Really. for a moment I started to question my life.

Maybe mature is not mature enough.

I've thought I was but I never was.

Life is not about being mature. You can't be mature this early.

Life is more about making mistakes and learning from them.

It's a never-ending lesson.

Maybe I just don't know what I want yet.

That's why I can't focus.

That's why I can't do proper job with what I have.

Maybe I just don't know what I want yet.

Because when you really have something You want,

that's when you REALLY focus.

Maybe I wasn't brought up the "right" way.

Growing up learning to just do the right things

Growing up never daring to make mistakes.

Growing up never willing to be stupid or embarrassed.

Growing up just being that good boy impressionist

Growing up not in the "right" way.

I am starting to struggle now.

Only now am I starting to learn what making mistakes are.

Nothing in this world is permanent.

Happiness come and go. Enjoy them while they happen.

Bad things are the same.

Either way, they all end eventually.

2011-05-20T01:26:00.002+08:00

Suddenly feeling of sadness.
Alamak. Why...?

1) It's officially 2 months away from the end of P3 and start of OSIP.
Geez... seriously. How fast time just blew past us.

2) I am quite stress and in need of confidence boost now. I reflected and realized my thought process for projects is always in trouble. I can't seem to get my ideas across during critics and I can't let that carry on. That has to change by next review. I need to reorganize my thoughts and learn how to have a smoother thought process.

3) By right Erwin invited me to his house to play but I guessed I have to pass. Promised Jinyi I would go out with them so that means tomorrow I would have to do P3 to cover up that lost of Saturday. Probably even planning to head down to TB on Saturday.

4) Met Jinyi for dinner and had our usual conversations. I thought it was different tonight. I've learnt a little more about her but more importantly, how time has flew past. She's 20 and I'm 19. The problems we face now are so different from before, all the school and childish stuff compared to now. The problems we face in relationship or process of growing up as an adult are starting to surface.

It feels exciting yet scary. Growing up is such a unusual thing.

5) Whatever it is, I want to do well for p3. I want myself to really develop a more mature thinking this time round.

Okay, got to go. Goodnight people. Gonna work hard tomorrow.

2011-05-16T20:37:00.002+08:00

Been real busy lately.

Never really had the time to go out to either play or eat with friends.

1) OSIP to shanghai has been confirmed. Just that the details are not out. Managed to source out the place on the internet. Looked really nice and found out recently that there is a Golden Week in China.

2) I think my p3 has been in a good progress. I still get disheartened sometimes how much I've never really improved over the past 2 years. But I can't let that stop me. I can only continue to move forward.

3) School will only look to be busier. A lot busier. my issue will be my un-productivity after consultation. That is like 3pm to 11pm, 8 hours wasted. A LOT OF WORK can be DONE during that period of time. YES. 8 HOURS IS A LOT.

4) I want to continue to build on my discipline. To continue to learn from people and just learn to be better and better each day.

5) I had an awesome birthday. Really. I was really touched.
I wasn't expecting much for my birthday and I don't usually celebrate it. But nearly half my class were there to celebrate for me.
They made me a A3 poster with really funny photoshop. Then at first, they presented a small cake with a small basketball. I was already already touched.
SUDDENLY, they showed a damn huge cake and a basketball. a real basketball.
What can I say? I really want to thank these people from the bottom of my hearts. It was a memorable day for me and I will always remember the day.
Thank you guys :)

Alright, wanna enjoy myself today. Good night people.

2011-05-07T02:02:00.000+08:00

Selected to go to Shanghai for OSIP.

More details to come soon.

Busy weekends. Lots need to accomplish.

2011-05-06T00:19:00.002+08:00

1) Still no news from OSIP yet. But sooner or later I should get something. Could be local even.

2) Since the start of p3, someone passed the flu bug and its been bugging me till now. It feels really uncomfortable at times and at times it's okay. Damn annoying. no joke. I hope it leaves me soon. I just want to feel healthy this entire sem.

3) No idea what to do for p3 yet. Just gonna think tomorrow. Now brain malfunction.

4) Need to learn to manage time now. Because I need to plan properly for whatever story I'm gonna write for storytelling. I want to write a good story.

5) At the same time, the p3 lecturers have delivered their first warning about being serious for this project. And I can already tell that this consultation with Derek won't be as easy because he will definitely keep hinting us to think and think. So yeah. Need to practise the art of in-depth thinking.

6) Toenails gonna fall again. All because of a second round of blood clot. sian.

7) Need to practise positive attitude. I realize it matters a lot in learning. When you get all upset and afraid of being scolded or insulted, you narrow down your views and start focusing on the bad side of things. However, when you be positive and tell yourself to learn, you actually start seeing things differently. It really works.

8) I realized I forget more and more about the past. As in I just don't think back as much as before. That's good actually. It's part of learning and making decisions.

9) I can't help but keep noticing the girl from RHD. She was part of that all girls group from RHD during the CDI period. I think the main reason is that she has a little resemblence to Hebe. Haha. retarded but okay. Work come first. and its normal for guys to see girls.

10) Good night.

2011-05-03T00:03:00.002+08:00

I need to be more focused and clear of whatever is going on.
I'm too blur and slow in reacting sometimes it's frustrating to me and my peers.

1) Completely remove 2K11. I need to stop gaming.

2) Stop procrastinating. Whenever I can't make a decision, it's gonna be considered as procrastinating. I must not waste time.

3) Be a kaypo. Look around and see whatever the others are doing. That's one way of knowing whatever is going on around.

4) Pick up all the site analysis skills quickly. It's gonna be solo project in FYP.

5) Think more every time. Question myself why and why before I make a conclusion.

I dunno what else to say. Just be a better student. Think more and execute more.

Come on. I must get myself together.

2011-04-27T22:29:00.002+08:00

It's only day three and I'm really tired.
Not just physically but also mentally.

Today was really an epic day.
It started off well when the day began.
Then the entire thing took a turn when I got scolded by Suhan.

I'm not gonna discuss it here.
It's really all to do with my mistakes.
Then, there's the nagging from my mum and my siblings.
It's again my fault.

All you need to know is that I backed out from Spain
I'm using the money for OSIP instead.

Then, I was really distracted for the presentation.
Because of that, I was really lost in the entire site analysis.
Again, that's my fault for not listening.

However, there seems to be a certain error with the whole process.
It's somehow not gonna work in the long run.
Because of this clash of thinking, there's this awkwardness now.
Andrew and I are really worried and concerned.
But tomorrow we will make the necessary changes.

It's a hell lot to take in today.
But when something happens, deal with it.

Yeah, I'm tired.
I really am.
I sound exaggerated but I really mean it.

so I'm actually comfortable with it.
I feel that there will not just be a change with the work
but also within me.

I want this momentum to carry on.
I really want.

2011-04-26T22:45:00.002+08:00

This class is terribly imba.
Too strong I would say. that's only gonna add on to my stress level.

Jeff is as usual, sharp and knows what he wants.
Jun Sheng is like the mini-Jeff.
Keith is the silent killer. It's really amazing how much he's improved over such a short time.
Fea is really observant and like a written notebook. She remembers the details of things damn well.
Andrew is always offering very interesting point of views.

Seriously. I'm not gonna lie. I'm already feeling stressed.

I can't seem to contribute in any way.
I pick up things far too slow. I really want to know how they think because I feel so darn far behind them.
It's like whatever I say they won't be able to accept because they are always two steps ahead.
but because of that I just have to work harder and smarter.

It's gonna have to be different this time.
I can't be like before, stressed and useless.
If anything happens, deal with it and learn from it.
That's all I can do... just keep pushing.

Tough days ahead but if I persevere I will make it through. I will and I promise myself that.

Good night people.

2011-04-24T23:00:00.002+08:00

1) School starts tomorrow. A whole new beginning. A make or break semester.

2) I've decided to go to Spain. Yeah. Just gotta make full use of it.

3) Played good basketball yesterday. After that went for the movie overnight at Gwen's. We borrowed all the wrong movies but it was fun nonetheless.

4) Cut my hair today. Short hair is still the most cooling after all.

5) Learning to sleep early nowadays. Like now.

6) Gonna read up on this interesting psychology book I borrowed. Hell yeah.

7) I realized that I've been stuck with my own problems. Too caught up I mean.

In the past, I used to be more reserved and was more of a listener. That's why helping people and giving advices was the easiest. Because there was never "me" in the equation. I would analyze their situation, try and see how they feel and only then will I start to speak.

But growing up, I began to change. A necessity I would say because partially I was getting weary of the fact that nobody or majority would choose to listen to my opinions. I started to be more expressive. "Me" was added to the equation such that sometimes I would force my own thinking onto others.

It only became worse when more personal problems surface. During this age of 17-19 (more independence required) I had to deal with them and that obviously magnifies the value of "me" even more that I had to be more concern with myself.

Lately, when I do reflect, I realized that's why I get lesser opportunities to help people. Because my comments really was more about me than them. It's a process of course, something to learn from.

So now that I've gone through both stages, what I need to do is to balance it out. To learn when to care about yourself and when to care more about others. I will also make it an effort to not get lazy and when I feel that something is right, I should do it and not worry about it.

Last but not least, the most important thing I've learn so far is that whatever happens, deal with it.

Yeah. New Semester, New beginning.
To make it a good one, it starts with me.

Good night people.

2011-04-22T02:07:00.002+08:00

1) Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution is awesome. Truly inspirational. Only watched 4 episodes so far but none of them failed to give me goosebumps. It's sending a message that so many people don't understand... that change don't come unless everyone plays a small part to it.

People always say why bother when others don't. Why think about it again. When you do think that way, another small contribution will be gone and eventually, everything fails.

2) Extreme Makeover Home Edition is the other hell of an inspirational program.

3) Just read the spain trip information. Basically, I think the cost of 2.8k is reasonable. But the only question will be... will I be able to make the best out of this trip? There's typically no answer to that.

4) Last day of work today. Just need to complete all projects by sunday and I will be free.

5) Evening at Timbre. I'm most likely gonna go.

6) Saturday night's stayover at Gwen's with Jinyi, Fendy and Benedict. Gonna be a long night of horror movies and comedy. I have a feeling I will fall asleep.

7) Derek will be my P3 lecturer. How AWESOME is that? I just want to get rid of my bad discipline and procrastination. I've been through stages with Joanne and Alan. I hope Derek will be my final stop. And best, a good one.

8) I lack the confidence. When people do criticize me, I start getting affected by what they say. The thing is, what they say may just be their point of view, it doesn't mean its true.

As long as I stay true and believe in what I do, I will convince people. That's what I need to work on.
Be confident of what you do. Do what you think is right, not what others think of you.

Good night.

2011-04-20T22:33:00.003+08:00

1) Tomorrow is my last day of work. But I still have to complete the projects by Sunday.

2) Changed my mail today. Can't wait forever for hotmail to unblock my account.

3) Leaning towards going to Spain. Rosli said that we will be required to do a presentation or just some sharing of what we learnt during the trip. I know myself, I will definitely make myself learn something somehow. It's just 2.8k is seriously a little too much.

4) I guess it's a good time to start letting go. When my opportunities are completely sealed up, I start to forget the past more.

5) Was thinking of how I approached architecture in the past. I realized I was always going a straight path. I tried to translate complicated things and always fail.
Maybe instead of translating difficult things, I should translate simple things and add meaning to them.

6) I want to be as flexible and as open-minded for this upcoming semester.

7) I found a good way to tackle criticisms. I don't take criticism well, that's why.
Basically, criticism doesn't mean you suck. It just means that you have potential for far greater things. See, sounds so much different.

8) Learn from the book I've been reading recently.

Many a times the good moments are short while frustrating ones linger so much longer.
Many a times we get stuck at pressurizing or unhappy moments. Instead of wanting to avoid them, if we actually look at it from different perspectives, half of them are just challenging obstacles while the other half are the facts of life.

Why must we always see problems as difficult stages? I always do that. That's why I feel so stressful so easily.
Look at things differently and challenge them. When they happen, they just do and all you have to do is to deal with them.

2011-04-19T22:50:00.002+08:00

1) My hotmail is once again inaccessible.
It's getting annoying and frustrating. If I get a new account, no issues with re-adding contacts but what about the things in my old inbox? seriously. what the heck man.

2) Bought 2 new jeans today for just $40.

3) Work this week is (going to continue being) hellish. Every day there's something new. But I'm enjoying the process because my ladyboss is happy with the work that I produced for her.

4) I cannot make it for the Tanjong Pagar outing. Damn I really wanted to go because its gonna be the first time I will board a train. Then again, it's my own fault for not renewing the passport on time.

5) Money money money.
Money makes the world go round. It makes me giddy and frustrated.
Sometimes I feel immature because of money. I feel inferior because of money.
Everything I'm doing now I'm feeding off my parents.
I really hate it.
I wish that I could just live in some simple country with a simple lifestyle.
That way, this trendy society won't force me to oblige by their rules and start manifesting all the materialistic desire within me.

6) Spain. Spain. Spain.
My heart says yes. My mind says no. My conscience says no.
It's 2.8k. that's a lot of money. Even so, being my first possible overseas trip (to such a faraway place some more), it's really that tempting.
However, my mom's revealing that pressurized but cool-mannered side of hers again. It also pressurized me. Of course she says if I want to go she can work it out, but I know inside her she hopes I don't.
Think about it, she's saving every penny to save up for my trip while I'm enjoying myself and using that hard-pressed money for those 10 days of fun. It's selfish isn't it?
Let's say I do go and she secretly borrowed money from people to make this trip possible, it's kinda even worse. I'm spending other people's money to enjoy in Spain. it's kinda ridiculous now?
Maybe after all these, I should just not go, bite my lips and be determined.
Maybe i will shed tears inside of me but it's more fair that way? I don't know. I hate this feeling. Either way seems to really frustrating.
I don't know. Fuck this. I need to handle this like a fucking man.

7) I was calculating my gpa earlier on. I need at least 3.5 from this sem and final sem to get to at least 3.3 by graduation. Yes, its that much.
That moment I was really pressurized (again) as to how can I possibly achieve that?
Suddenly, it shook me. I realized this: "If not now, then when?"
I only have a year left to make it possible. Why not dream big now and if it all works out, wouldn't it be awesome?
Really, my strategy board for this final year has been set:

If not now, then when?

2011-04-11T23:59:00.002+08:00

I hate it when I'm tired.

I feel easily depressed and loss in motivation.

Totally becomes a walking zombie and emo-kid.

Today, Suhan sent a mail regarding osip.

I thought it was good. End up not so much.

Well... the employee mentioned that they don't understand our projects

thus we need to do a write up for them.

It kinda sucks because... well it goes to show that our portfolio wasn't effective.

BUT

on the bright side of things, at least we still had a second chance.

I'm thinking of so many things right now.

School especially.

I have so much to catch up and also OSIP.

I need a strong mentality.

I can't get all tired and mentally-drained so easily.

Yeah.

I need to stop stressing myself.

Come onnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

Okay screw it.

Sleep.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

2011-04-10T23:50:00.002+08:00

My results were kinda a setback for me.
All I could think of was what went wrong?

I feel like a laughing joke because its like a hardworking guy who ends up getting average results.
People who doesn't work as hard scores better. But that's either because they are talented and thinks 2 steps ahead of me. Overall, there's this laughing joke feeling.

I am upset.
I am frustrated.
But what's done is done.
An improvement is way better than a de-provement.
I will just look forward and continue to bring better efforts.
This time I will aim higher and make sure I get them.

Went out with Jeff, JS, Keith, YJ and Nicole to see the design show.
One positive thing I heard was that as long as you get above 3.3 gpa there's a possibility to get into University. Another way is to display yr portfolio.

I really questioned myself... Am I in the right course?

I feel that I can do both IAD and VSC. Maybe more of VSC.
but like so many people mentioned to me, I lack the confidence.
I get very indecisive and goes a whole round before reaching a decision.
That's what I have to change.
Be decisive and be daring. In architecture, mistakes can be possible solutions.

Shine in the spotlight

Earlier they mentioned, wanting to shine and stand out among the rest.
I think that's a good point. When you display your work, you want people to be impressed.
That should be the attitude, to be proud of your work, it's a good feeling.
It sounds competitive but competitive in a good way, not to look down on people but to want to give it your best.
That's what I have to change.
To want to be good and impressive. When people doubt you, prove them wrong. Goddamn prove them wrong.

Work hard. Play hard. But be disciplined.

I got it from my mum earlier this week.
She nagged me for complaining and whining about work. She questioned me if I was going to carry that attitude out to work. I was really shocked. I looked back and I realized she was right.
I asked for this.
I told her I wanted to work but I end up complaining about it.
I didn't put in my best at work and did it half-heartedly.
I need to change my attitude. I need to be disciplined at work. If I can finish work on time, I am sure I can find time for my own enjoyment.
Another mindset is to work hard and play hard.
I need to be more organised in timetable. Don't always say I can't make it cause of work.
If I find the time, I can also have fun. Having fun is always important. You will die if you work all the way and not have fun.

So yeah.
Just look forward and keep working hard. When I meet obstacles, get over them. Yeah.
Good night.

2011-04-02T16:20:00.003+08:00

Taking time out to do some reflection.
I like to think back. especially on all those precious good moments.
I realized that I have been so goddamn busy that I spend more time ranting and keeping myself
motivated rather than looking back.

People, looking back and slowing down is important too.
Once in a while do that. Don't let the busy lifestyle screw you up.

Things I've learnt this year:
- Perseverance
- Strong mentality
- Not taking jokes too seriously
- Be more positive
- Need to be more disciplined
- Importance of work
- Letting go
- Be how you want others to see you, BE YOURSELF
- Every mistake can be a sign of growth
- Don't be too lazy
- Taking initiatives
- Importance of being sensitive about people's feelings
- Laugh at yourself, life can be better
- Don't over think (still happening)
- Importance of families
- Staying well-tempered
- The importance of confidence (still working on it)
- Decision making is all about timing

Maybe a little for fun:)
Ten Things I wanna do in the future (no specific order):

1) Travel the world

2) Designing my own house (YESS!! A ROOF THAT SEES THROUGH TO THE SKY!)
and live with my parents and family

3) Be an active volunteer

4) Learn Psychology. I wanna be able to see how others think

5) Be an architect. I prefer designing forms to interior design

6) Live a simple life. I can donate half my assets to people as long as I can live with it.
Maybe run an orphanage. Or just fund one.

7) Learning the guitar or piano. Then I can put my horrendous voice to good use.

8) Learn to cook. I want to be half a chef. I can then cook whatever I want for myself and be creative with it even.

9) Make people smile. Painting rooms or walls with children. Chatting with old people.

10) Understand this complicated thing called Love. I thought i knew but I guess I was wrong.
BUT this is at the BOTTOM of the list. I know how important work is to me now.

Yeah. I actually had to squeeze out some of them.
I was stuck at 6. Damn. but they are all sincerely what I want.

Okay. Bye people. Need to nap.
Effing headaches.

2011-04-02T00:23:00.002+08:00

I am finally done editting my portfolio.
I'm probably the only one to put in all these extra work.
Compared to the usual one month, I had probably spent half or nearly a month more to do it.

But it's all worth it.
I really want this OSIP somehow but I must remember to tell myself
if I don't selected, life goes on.
So yeah, better be mentally prepared.

So now that I am done with this chapter. On to the next:
Drafting work and Hospice/Volunteer work

Tomorrow I will start off with morning exercises by BBalling at Banja's area.
After that I need to call JS's auntie for the job and then settle the volunteer work with Gwen.

About the volunteer work. Gwen mentioned about the strong mentality of dealing with death.
I guess I was foolish to think it will be easy.
I just watched Mentalist and the last scene apparently, showed the main having to witness the death of another person so as to avoid to autopsy procedure. I know it's just a show but suddenly
it felt intense.

Imagine you have to sit across or just be there to witness the other party dying.
The irony is that you will be feeling healthy but watching the other slowly feeling the pain and showing signs of pain or agony. It's like watching him or her being tortured yet unable to help in any way.

It isn't easy after all, this thing called death.

I will give it some thoughts but yeah. I still want to do volunteer work.

Less than a month to Year 3. Time flies by really fast.
Sometimes it's scary. Real scary.

But whenever I think again... I wanna thank everyone around me for pushing me this far.
Some of them are my parent's friends or my brother's friends or even my relatives.
Without them I will never reach this far.

To be able to go to spain.
To be able to be selected for OSIP.

So many things seem so pleasant and fortunate now but I just need the courage to face them.
I need to understand that success don't come immediately.
I need to understand that without failure there will never be learning process.
I need to learn to take criticisms better and that they groom you to be a better person.
Yes. Life's still a long road ahead.
I can continue to be a better person day by day.

Just keep positive and always find ways to break out.
Good night people.

Life is... just appreciate it.

2011-03-17T01:20:00.005+08:00

I guess time and time again
I just can't help but question myself.

Sometimes I stray away from who I am.
Sometimes I am who I am.
Most of the time I am just not satisfied with who I am.

I am pretty much a thinker and introvert. So at times I really question myself why can't I be a little more outgoing and crazy. Then again, I feel that I actually talk a lot lately, and I feel like I should just keep quiet. Sometimes not saying anything is the best... at least comfortable for me.

Anyway, I have some plans drawn up.
I'm going to start exercising again.
I'm planning to be a volunteer at that Hospice.
For those who aren't sure of what it is, here it is from the website:

Hospice and palliative care is a holistic approach to caring for patients going through the last stages of their lives.

It aims to meet all needs (physical, emotional, psychosocial and spiritual) so as to alleviate suffering and maximise quality of life for patients and their loved ones.

I have to go through interview for that. It's going to be an experience for me but more importantly I think it's worth it because it's good knowing that you can still contribute something to another person's life.
I've asked my mom and although she rejected the idea, it was a weak rejection.
So I will take it as a Yes.

Meanwhile I still need to get a job.
Jeff is right, I mean I can't be this soft at my age.
You learn when you go through hardship and at my age the more it should be that way.

So yeah.
Doing some more work before sleeping.
Good night people.

Pray for Japan

2011-03-12T02:46:00.002+08:00

Listening to Nelly's "Just a Dream"

Today's yet another unproductive day.
To think of it, I actually slacked through an entire 5 days already.
Gotta start work real soon. as long as I stay motivated I hope.

I really feel that when I am constantly reminded of my motivation, I will perform the best.

Anyway, I finished 20 episodes of Running Man so I need to get the rest from Emmanuel or Kosol.
The Heat also beat the Lakers for the second time this season.
Was a solid effort from the entire team and we only hope for that to continue.

The more shocking news though...
was Japan getting hit by a major earthquake that resulted in a Tsunami.

I understand that earthquakes and tsunamis are common in Japan but the fact that it was a 8.8 magnitude quake that triggered a 10m high tsunami is really shocking.
I just pray that Japan can do their best to minimize the aftermath now.
Pray for japan people.

We also got to see the seniors' final year work.
I know it can be a source of motivation but the last time I tried, I screwed up (P2)
I can only question myself... am I really ready for Year 3?
I can only move forward.
Just keep trying. Sooner or later I hope I can be proud of my final year work when I do put it up there.

Bye people.
Pray for Japan!

Choices to make: I choose to leave.

2011-03-09T15:21:00.001+08:00

I wasted 2 days playing games and watching videos.
When I thought back, I realized I should have just borrowed books and read.
That way, I could have spent more time in a more meaningful way.

I went back to my secondary school self and regained my interest in documentaries
I'm gonna watch Home, Earth, Oceans and planet earth.
Then, that was when I started questioning myself more about the future.

As Singaporeans, we all know how safe Singapore really is.
Even tourists or the foreigners can feel that.
However, to say honestly, I've long wanted to travel since secondary school.
Not to have fun but to gain experience and be more of a volunteer.

I still remembered in sec 4 where Miss Yap organised a trip to ChiangMai to help the children over there.
Only the sec 3s could go because they had the time to do so.
Banjamin and I actually went up to Miss Yap and asked if we could go along.
But due to the upcoming Os, we really couldn't go.
We were disappointed but at least we tried.
Looking back at it, I really admired what I did back then.
At least I had the heart and was concerned about the issue.

I love Miss Yap.
She can be a little aggressive at times but the passion she always carried in her
was so heartfelt.
She was truly concerned about the nature and earth and from that I learned.

Back to the topic.
Singapore is safe, no doubt about it.
But after thinking about it, I would really travel over the world to help the unfortunate.
Even if it means risking my life or so, I would do it.
I would choose to leave.

It sounds stupid but really, take a look around you.
While we can have fun and make choices, there are really people out there suffering.
I try to sound like a hero but it is the truth I speak.
I have options and I would choose to help.
It sucks to know something is happening and yet not being able to help.

But as of now,
I will continue to work hard for my studies
and while I cannot be overseas to volunteer, I can help Singapore's unfortunate still.
There's always people in need of help everywhere.
I can always start from here.

Here I promise myself.
When I have the power to do so, I will leave.
I will travel abroad and help others.
Because I just feel that life can be more meaningful when you do contribute and impact others.

I'm a lucky bastard to be lucky

2011-03-08T03:42:00.003+08:00

What I did today:
- Went out job-hunting (but failed)
- 2 rounds of NBA 2K with the new albys roster
- watched Black Hawk Down for the third time
- Watched Running Man ep. 12 with Mcdonald as supper

After watching BHD again, I just couldn't help but reminiscent about the past years.
where I loved geography, dreamt about traveling and watching documentaries.
While BHD is just a movie, it was still based on real life events.
It happened in Mogadishu, Somalia, where a short mission ended up becoming an overnight one and 19 US soldiers died. What's even more sad was that over a 1000 somalia militia soldiers died too.
While the numbers are shocking, the fact that you realized all these happened is just saddening.
While it may be complicated because it was a civil unrest, people are killing each other because of the inability to be on a same mindset and agreement.

While I am sure most of us, after watching the movie, would comment about the graphics or which scene was very nerve-wrecking. I just can't help but think that I am so damn fortunate.
I never had to grow up seeing guns.
I never had to grow up thinking about food.
I never had to grow up seeing blood and death.

I never had to grow up worrying about possibly never getting to see tomorrow ever again.

I am just so damn fortunate... Very.

Call me sensitive, like I always have been, but I am right am I not?
Think about it again, it's so true of what I speak.

This is what I have to say.
Never question why others can be passionate about caring for others.
If you can't understand them then don't.
While they do their parts by sacrificing, you can just do yours by embracing your own life.
Nobody's wrong actually, as long as you understand and value what you have.

I have more plans for myself.
I need to stop eating unhealthy food.
I need to start exercising.
Watch more documentaries, read more books, educate myself more.

Education is very important.
But they don't come in just text and books.
They can be through observation and just the willingness to think more.

Because without them, human emotions can never be tamed.

2011-03-06T01:51:00.002+08:00

Listening to Derrick Hoh's "當我知道你們相愛"
I personally like the music of this song. Very smooth-paced yet catchy.

I often question my introvert personality because in design school
there is somewhat of a trend for design students to be more outgoing and friendly.
So that's why I question myself, "Why am I like this?"

However, I think eventually the answer is that I am who I am.
I may not be too outgoing or fun, but who cares?
I am comfortable with it and if it doesn't hurt anyone then it's no big deal.
Having a lot of friends will be great now and for the future.
But having good friends are also important and when I look back,
I really do feel that I have great friends by my side.
I can still choose to treasure them can't I?

I have a 12 year friend in Banjamin.
Although most of the time he does the talking, we still can confide in each other and joke around with all the lame jokes.
I have a 7 year friend in JinYi.
Although we get annoyed with each other sometimes, we still have many things to talk about.
I also have great friends in Benedict, Gwen and Fendy.
Besides that, my basketball kakis are also good friends.
I may not be close with all of them but I do know that when we are all together, we never stop talking crap and suanning one another.
These are the guys I will stick by for so long in the future so I shouldn't be thinking that much isn't it.

And in poly I realize I can talk with quite a lot of people in IAD.
I can hang out with Azure and gang.
I sometimes eat out with Jun Sheng and gang.
I can also talk with Natalie, Pamela and gang.

I think at the end of everything.
I should just be who I am.
Because if it's meant to be then it's meant to be.

Yeah. so be it.

2011-03-05T13:24:00.002+08:00

Listening to Lady Antebellum's "Ready to love again"
It gave me the secondary school feeling again.

I mean there really is a difference between how you feel in poly and sec school.
Maybe because of the different priorities, the feeling you get in poly is more of a serious tone.
Whereas in secondary school, it's more about reminiscence and where you experience many things to come in future, mainly relationships.

I think for me, secondary school days were still the more carefree days ever.
Where I would always play basketball after lessons
Go out with the NP people for dinner occasionally
Constantly daydreaming that I could be in another country because I had a passion for geography.
Also watching documentaries and never failed to get inspired.

Those days are over and you really wished they could last longer.
Now in poly, the priorities are narrowed and my main focus should be working hard.
Time flies really fast and in a month's time I will be entering my most crucial stage in poly life.
There will be tons of stressful moments with projects coming along and also possibly an overseas internship.

I was actually panicking when thinking about the OSIP interview around april.
I was thinking how I could impress the people and also my lack of confidence.
But I guess I shouldn't be thinking so much.
Suhan already gave me the green light by selecting me as one of the nominees
The best solution is to embrace the opportunity and just do my best out there.

It goes the same to the JC people out there.
I will never understand the hardship you guys went through just to pass a freaking exam in 2 years.
Some of you did well whereas others didn't.
It's okay to feel sad but after that get over it.
What done is done, find the best moves next and execute them.
Because when you look back, you would only realize that the best way was to pick yourself up again and keep on striving.
Just don't give up.

At the same time, I've made a few more decisions yesterday.
1) I found a work for stocktaking during my hols. Will be doing that with Yinchow, kartika, melissa and huimin. After that need to keep on job hunting still.
2) Most likely I will give myself a double module by updating my portfolio again. There were spelling mistakes in the previous so obviously I need to reprint a new one. Furthermore, I will be doing this for an OSIP interview so the more I should do it professionally.

So yeah, just keep on striving people.

2011-03-02T01:49:00.002+08:00

Listening to Show Luo's "拼什麼" (what am I fighting for?)
Think it relates to my past and current situation even though its just schooling.

As you grow up more and more, you realize the competitiveness of this world.
Take Singapore for example... especially at the JC/POLY level it really becomes a blow in your face.
That's why so many of us probably miss our secondary school days.
Even I do.

JC people would have to study really hard and that one exam at the end of two years would determine the outcome.
Poly people have to work hard from the start, like a process itself, and pace themselves to a brighter future...
Honestly speaking I feel that the JC people have a harder time coping.

I think for the past months my hard work has paid off.
Or I would say my tougher mentality has been working for me.
Portfolio development would be a first step and VPres was my first success in a while.
Creative Writing sparked everything off and I did pretty decent for Design Practice too i guess.
Then the real Portfolio Preparation was good, except for the fact that I probably lost 20% due to late submission.
All in all it's been a great semester.

To top it all, the course trip to Spain and being selected for OSIP really pumps me up.
The Spain trip will be a educational trip besides all the fun and eating.
The OSIP (Overseas Internship) will be the real eye-opener and I just want to say I am humbled to be part of something this special.

I can say I am lucky for all these but at the same time i really wanna dedicate this to all the people who helped me and toughen me up.

My friends had shown me the results of working hard and not giving up.
My lecturers had been inspiring.
Alan encouraged me and continuously told me to not procrastinate (though I still do) but most of all, never giving up.
Ernest enlightened me with the concept of learning and experiencing things, no matter how shitty they get, you still learn something. It's not everyday you get to even do something like that.

Last but not least my parents have been my motivation and support.
My mom is willing to pay for my Spain trip and even my uncle in Taiwan is willing to lend us money for that.
My brothers are also supportive of this.
I just really wanna do well and not waste all their efforts for pushing me this far.

Haha I think this post is like really dedicated to everyone else who's paced me to where I am now.
Just gotta continue and work hard.

Fighting!
Good night people.

2011-02-20T01:15:00.004+08:00

It's been a while since I've blogged.
As of now, I'm going to some reflection and also some hoop updates.

I've been doing pretty well on school work, though not yet consistent.
Like today, it was extremely unproductive and today I'm pretty moody
Even now as I blog, I'm indirectly slacking.

I realized my mindset matters a lot. In terms of positivity and negativity.
When I start worrying and start blaming myself for slacking, for being unproductive, it becomes extremely difficult and mood-less to do anything at all. I can't move forward.
But when I change my mindset to telling myself what I can achieve and that I can achieve them if I do so, I work at a better pace. But most of the time my panicky mindset eats up the best of me.
Yes, I end up worrying more than I do work.
I need to get rid of that mindset. It's really annoying.

Lately I've also been thinking about a lot of things.
in fact, they choose to come to me instead. I'm currently in an important stage of my life.
It's all about decision making.
internship, career, all the things that will pace me to my future.
Whether I should opt for Overseas internship is also another matter of concern.
I am thinking about it actually, cause it is still a valuable source of experience.
But my results and my attitude may eventually be my obstacle.

I look fine actually, but I do feel that I am bothered by some family problems.
not so major now but I fear for the future... somewhat.
I've been thinking about talking it out to Jinyi or Benny or whoever but
it's either i couldn't fork out the time or I just didn't.

Firstly, it's my older brother.
Sometimes... i don't know what to say at all. It just leaves me speechless.
I know his character, he's a really good guy inside but whatever he's doing now just leaves me... puzzled.
He has this fond for comic-related or fantasy writing stuff. He does have the knowledge in computer too but he's currently like 25 and he's not getting a proper job.
He already screwed up JC, and then poly and now he's not really doing anything.
To say the truth, whenever I watch him helping my mom out at the turf club I actually felt so depressed and sad. I know I'm a guy but seriously, what is a 25 year old doing there? Worst of all, it's like his somewhat main source of income.
I mean come on... you are 25 and should be out there in the society fighting for something and doing something you are passionate about. Not at the turf club and then after which you either find your friends or go home and ... play facebook or something. I really don't get it.
And the small little quarrels he always hold with my mom and for me to have to come out and be the middle man every single time annoys the fuck out of me. Sometimes i let go because they are small fights but ... I don't know but lately I've been thinking it is really childish...
I don't get it. I really don't.
I just want him to do something for himself. My mom always say that his friends are the reasons why he's behaving like this now. I don't want to believe that but eventually if nothing changes, I think I have to.

My second brother is fine actually, I just hope that he can be more emotional at times towards my parents. Like you know, being more concerned at times. I think he's just not really good at expressing himself but I know deep down he's another good person.

Last but not least, my parents.
I used to help out at turf club but GOD i hate that place. I don't know why I feel goddamn sleepy every single time I'm there.
And I used to show tantrums whenever I help out there and worst of all, in front of my mom's colleagues. Now that I think back about it, it's really embarrassing.
My mom works really hard for the family and my father is so much more a changed man now.

But what really changed me and made me felt guilty about all my childishness is the fact that my parents are in their 50s now.
My mom is like 51 and my dad probably 52... that's like either 3-4 years or 8-9 years away from the rightfully retirement age. And now I'm like thinking... they are still the main source of income for the family (besides my 2nd brother) and I feel like when I work in the future, I must give them a good life.
Seriously, think about it, they are in their 50s and they are still working hard for the family... what else can I ask for? I just wish for nothing but the best of health for the 2 of them.
I want to really do something for them in the future, to really... repay them for what they have done for this family.
They are and will be my main source of motivation now. I want to do something for them and the moment is now.

I know some of my worries seem abit redundant but like I said, what I worry for is not now but the future. How long will this family hold together? Will the 3 of us brothers come together?

Very often I have been thinking I hope maybe some friend of my brothers or some relative just come in criticizing any of my family members in some insulting manner or sort.
Cause when that does happen, I swear I will be somewhere out there screaming back in the face of that person. That's probably the best way I can release all my anger in the rightful way.

Yeah. Just remember Yong Xi. Do it for yourself. Do it for your family. Enough said.

On to a more relaxing section. NBA.

It's currently the all-star weekend and I'm just gonna express my view about the Miami Heat as the season stops for a break.

Months ago, the NBA became crazy again as LBJ, CB4 and Flash join forces to form the new Big Three in the NBA.
November ended and the team was a mediocre 9-8 record with all sorts of questions aimed at them. But after that it seemed like everything became nothing more than worries and speculations. Now the Heat are 37-15 heading into the break. That's only 7 losses since November and you can see what an amazing comeback it has been.

Whenever we look at single game performances we start to nitpick. Saying Wade has been forcing shots or LeBron isn't doing enough or that Bosh is totally a non-factor. We criticize a whole lot but just now I actually went to look at some Heat mixes made recently.
Very often mixes carry the best plays from the season and when I actually watched them, I realized all the nitpicking were excessive worrying.
I felt that this team is just AMAZING in the making.
Many said the egos of the 3 guys will ruin things but when I see them connect on the plays I just felt nothing but impressed and even moved.
All the LeBron alley to Wade and vice-versa and sometimes Bosh's nice post-play. It's not everyday you get to see something like that on highlight reels.
You can get to see all those Griffin dunks or Kidd-Chandler alley-oops but you know every time the Heat comes to play, something amazing will happen. Further more the 2 best slashers in the games are often making plays for each other.

I have to hold my stand and say that Heat will not win this year still but just wait.
This team has shown sparks and moments of amazement. They are only on the way and like what others said, this team has YET to hit the ceiling. We have YET to see the team at their best.
If it's pretty amazing now then I really wonder what their perfect moment will look like.
nothing beats more than amazing.

The amazing that lies ahead is gonna come.
Either in April come playoff time or possibly next season.
But it is coming. Definitely.

2011-01-31T01:31:00.003+08:00

Tomorrow marks a new start
I've been on task for the past month with my assignments
It really feels good

Creative Writing was great and I genuinely enjoyed the class
The other module was good such that I did pretty well too.

I just hope that I can keep things up.

on the other hand
I've just been meeting up with old friends
playing ball with the regular people
and also watching some nice shows.
Going Home and Secret Garden
Also, I'm back to reading the manga
Yankee-kun and Megane-Chan

Hmm.. besides that there's nothing to post about
Okay then.
Good night people.

2011-01-23T00:13:00.002+08:00

My lecturer was right after all.
When you don't like reading
it's because you haven't found the right book yet.

I guess I found mine
The Kite Runner

I loved the book
It's really great because
I know I was caught up in it.

In fact, I'm actually looking forward to reading again.

I think Creative Writing has really been
a period for self-reflecting.
There were a lot of time spent thinking and analyzing life.
I have a feeling that it only made me more analytical as a person
I observe things more now and seem to feel like a writer myself
I feel like in my head
I am narrating my own life.

It's a strange feeling
but it feels great. Really.
It's like a therapy session where I finally got in touch with myself.
Like knowing myself better as a person
Seeing the whole as a better place.

I sound so holy right now.
I just hope that when this module is over
I can carry it over to the next phase

That I can be who I really am
and continue to work hard for my classes.

okay I gotta go sleep
tomorrow working early
gotta get ready.
Good night people.

Reading takes you to places you've never been before.

2011-01-10T03:01:00.002+08:00

For some reason
I've been feeling real lethargic lately
Maybe it's just the lack of sleep.

Saturday I played the best basketball I've ever played for a while
I was running and just so focus
It probably didn't meant a thing to anyone else
but to me it was good

I've always been a lazy player
Especially since I get worn out easily
But saturday was different
I was running every time and just being so daring
Okay maybe I was a little rough but that doesn't rule out anything else
For the first time I didn't felt afraid.
I just kept going at it and just refusing to lose.

I just hope I would play like that in future
It's like cherishing every moment I can enjoy the sports

Good luck to O lvl peeps for their results tmr.
Alright, good night peeps.

2011-01-03T00:41:00.002+08:00

Happy New Year people.
Tomorrow marks a new start for me.

School reopens after a short 2 weeks break.
Over the past holidays,
I actually convinced myself to work hard
I did and it paid off.

For the first time I was able to work hard
and let go of all my other unnecessary thoughts.

Beng Teck was asking me if I had learn anything during the period.
It wasn't about learning to clear plates, to serve customers, to carry heavy trays,
it was all in the attitude.
It was all about doing all those things with the right mindset and I managed to pull through.
It was about being patient, being willing to learn.
It was tiring but you still get paid.

Up till now, I have managed to earn about 440+
Happy at first but adding in some debts and etc
I will only have about 200 left, including the fact that
I will give some to my parents.
If I were to calculate further
my course materials can even possibly used up the entire 200

I won't even have enough for personal use.
But I will just keep working hard.
Money can never be enough
When they are gone, You just need to work more to earn them back.

My resolutions now shall be:
Continuing to work hard
Don't succumb to stress
Be patient
Don't give up so easily
Be a better person everyday

Alright.
Good night and again, Happy New Year
:)

2010-12-31T02:07:00.003+08:00

A nice, simple blogskin :)

Tomorrow will be pretty hardcore for me.
Will be working 3pm to 3am.
Don't ask me why
I'm just in it for the money and since
I am available anyway

That aside
I feel that I am starting to handle myself
better each day.
My impatience, my temper especially.

I have been able to tell myself
to tone it down and see the bigger picture
and it does help a lot.
I am starting to differentiate situations better
Which ones to bother and which to ignore.

Last time when I work
I tend to create stress for myself
and I would do it just for the sake of doing it
Now it's a different thing
I've been telling myself
to enjoy the process and just learn from it.

Attitude matters so much
How you approach a situation will define the outcome.
Whether you learn or not depends on your mindset.

Overall I am quite pleased with myself
I've learn to accept mistakes and failures better
that each and every one of them teaches you
lessons and the right way of doing things.

School's going to start again soon.
I won't promise myself anything
I will go with the flow
and do my best.

Don't give up, learn and be better.
That's the mindset I'm gonna carry with me entering the term.
Just be yourself.

Alright Gotta sleep.
Good night people.

---

Jinyi told me some things which really motivated me so much.
I just want to thank her.
I've been thinking...
Maybe the thing that makes me stand out
is my thinking.
I probably have the ability to see things differently at times
and come up with multiple perspectives.

But that doesn't matter anymore.
Being special shouldn't be a big deal.
Being the best you can be everyday is more important.
That's just how i want myself to be.

Once again
Thank you Jin Yi :)

Life and lessons.

2010-12-28T04:06:00.005+08:00

I just finished watching two feature films from Channel U
which is why I am still awake now.
I must say they are pretty good.
Really impressive to see them coming from local talents.

I love independent films.
Hollywood or blockbuster films are good of course
but they are often too overwhelming in what they bring.

Independent films are different
they may not be as famous or well publicized
But they draw a connection to viewers
they are more closely related to life
and that's exactly what viewers love.
People love to relate, to understand and to be on the same ground.
That's why people become friends, lovers
and how communication goes best.
Because there is a common ground.

For me, what I love most is
every independent film has a way of teaching me something about life
something I can ponder about.
And once again I have learned and observed.

Lately I think i have been more positive.
I feel like I'm a little more on the right track now.
One of the factors is definitely my job.
It's really bring my mood up a lot more.
It's pretty fun there and most of all
it's the sense of achievement of making money
and knowing you now have something to back on.

---

One thing I've really convinced myself to accept
is how much I troubled myself.
I seem to give up easily
and especially when I face problems
it can keep me from being the best I can be for the rest of the day.

It's just like the saying goes
Don't give up on the whole forest over a tree
It's just like in life
You can't give up on the things worth being happy about in life
just because of a day's worries or frustration.
It's about looking at the bigger picture

That's what I've learn and tried to apply on myself.
It will be really important come project time
Where I can convince myself to keep moving forward
whenever I am too slow or stuck at work.

Mistakes teach you the right way.
If you have never taken the wrong route,
you may never know which is the right one.

So yeah. I need to sleep already.
Adios Amigos.

2010-12-24T01:18:00.002+08:00

I don't wanna let these 2 weeks of holidays
(mostly working)
make me forget my goal

which is to be an architect.
Because I will be busy
my other free time has either become
sleeping hours or slacking hours
nothing spent on course-related things.

But I am dying for school to start again.
Because I'd rather study than work.

Then again
I will do my best to embrace this current job I am doing
which I hope it will prepare me for the future
how adults work and live.
It's all about experiences.

Let's try my best
to be that old hardworking-self I used to be.

Good night.

2010-12-18T02:46:00.003+08:00

Everyday is a thinking process for me.

I wonder about countless things
I like to observe and make my wild guesses.
I like to interpret a person's character
although most of the time I have no idea if I'm right.

---

Anyway
after yet another tough project
I found myself continuing to lack discipline.
But in the process I learned so much.

I went through more of autocad
the basics of presentation and etc
most importantly
was that I realize how much I needed to work on my mentality
I am patient with others but not myself
I took away my own opportunities to succeed
I gave up far too easily

that is an aspect I need to work on.
Currently with my 2 weeks of break
I am planning to try and keep myself more organized
Going to work soon
and hopefully that can give me a sense of urgency.
Heard that its a cafe and flexible hours
So I'm cool with it

The only difference this time is that I will work through school days too
only if I'm available.
It's worth it isn't it?
6.50 per hour?
Let's make the deal man.
Then again, interview's on monday so shan't be so sure yet.

---

Just a few minutes ago
I realized my dissatisfaction with myself
How I seem to envy many other people and look down on myself.

Let's say an ex classmate
Cheng Wei is a very straightforward person
we aren't exactly close but he always has that charisma in him.
That sort of a feeling girls may look out for or maybe even anyone at all
and it seems to come naturally for him.
I really envy that and sometimes I hope i had that in me.
but I don't.

My good friend Banjamin has a weird sense of humor
and I know many of the things he's got he's earned them.
He would spend many hours to achieve the results
That's a winning attitude to learn from.
Something my lack of discipline is depriving of.

My other good friend, Benny, is sensitive in the sense
which he easily understands how others feel.
I used to be like this... I think but not now.
It's like anyone can talk to him and he knows exactly how to reply you.
Understanding is a hard thing to do especially emotions because
everyone's has their own perspective.

There are others who I envy but I won't name them all here.
After all these I can tell and I know
I have this attribute of mine to wanna feel special
to wanna stand unique among the crowd.
But I don't really show it out because I don't feel that it's something
to show off about.
I don't seem to find any attribute in myself
that people look up to or are impressed with.
Maybe not a lot of people praised me.
It's always the usual from the adults.

You are filial you are a good boy etc etc.
That's good because those are good things.
I take them with pride because I am doing the right things.
Just that probably I feel that I don't have much talent at all.
Like a useless person.

Enough of self-pitying.
I need to appreciate life more.

As I always tell myself
18 and still growing.
Every mistake is a process
18 is not young, but neither is it old
everyday we grow, it's a life process till you die.
You may never truly understand life until you become old
so just keep living life to the fullest
or as the best you can.

So yeah
I have to take that attitude and live with it.

alright
off to sleep.
many things ahead.
good night.

2010-12-06T00:13:00.002+08:00

It's been a while since i blogged.

This post will be long.
there's many thoughts in my mind.
many of which
made me understand myself even more.

---

Benny returned today
so Jinyi, gwen and fendy went out too.
I have to be truthful
maybe all the time we weren't able to hang out together
we sort of drifted.
Maybe Benny's tired from the flight.
Maybe all of us were just tired today.

But we are drifting and we know it.
I may not express well through words but
I definitely want to keep this friendship.

It's a process.
It's maturity, the process of growing up and understanding
each other more.
that maybe the us during 16 years old were mirages.
they were who we used to be, but not the real us.
That we only realized now
that maybe we shouldn't had been that close.
that it was all a mistake.
but to come this far, it says something.
Something that hopefully will last in years to come.

---

It all started with a small chat Azure, Andrew and I had.
What we wanted for our future and all.
I suddenly ask myself
if Architecture is the right thing for me.
Architecture doesn't make you money
it drives you insane with lack of sleep
it deprives you of freedom
it makes you a workaholic
all of that and in return is a simple satisfaction
of seeing your dreams coming to life.

It's passion that drives architects.
the question is, are you satisfied with just that passion and sense of achievement?
That you are willing to put in months of hard work
just to see your dreams come to life.
Maybe you can enjoy that for a day
but after that you move on.
The cycle repeats itself.

I thought about that and
i have to agree with what ernest said.
That we shouldn't think so far ahead.
Motto is simple.
Be better than yesterday.

yes. easy to say.
hard to achieve.

I realized part of me likes to see nice and interesting houses.
maybe everyone else does.
I realized that part of me like the solitary and office feel of working
in a studio for architects
maybe that's only in tv shows and never in real life.

Maybe I'm just dreaming.
Maybe I'm not.

I came to realize something
that maybe my desire to be engulf in work
is because I know I am a loner
that I don't like to be involved in crazy parties
and that I am not that fun of a person

It's because I only feel useful when I do my work
It's because the only way I can feel good about myself is being
committed to working hard.

Sometimes I feel really like a loser
because everyone else is always hanging out with friends
having fun, playing and enjoying themselves
yet I'd rather locked myself in a studio to do my work
Like I'm a real outcast and friendless.

It sounds really sad actually.
But that's just the way I am.

That's just it.

---

As you hear and see more things
you come to realize how fortunate of a person you are.
I have so many friends whose went through worst times than I did.

Sometimes I feel the need to strangle myself
of how much I had wasted my time on meaningless stuff.
But life is like these, nobody can be serious all the way
unless he is really that amazing of a person.

My dad came back from his China trip.
he was sick and that the next day he'd probably need to help out my mom for work

there I was thinking.
The day after a short break in China and he needs to work
How tiring is that?
to work immediately after holidays.

Then I thought of my mom
she's working hard I know
and then I remembered... She's 50.
probably 51 and she's working so hard.

I suddenly felt pitiful
That they had to be working so hard at their age.
At that point in time I really wanted
to take them out.
To bring them to have fun outside.
That the only way to do so is to work hard
and provide enough to bring them out
just to have fun and see the nicer places on earth.

It could've been my motivation
That I wanted them to enjoy themselves
after working so hard even at their age.

I feel bad.
even now.
I took so many things for granted.
Yet I'm slacking much.

I will regret I know
when they are probably gone
(touch wood. slap yourself YongXi.)
That I didn't do my best
to make it up to them
to repay them for all the years they put in
to raise me and my brothers.

In these few days I've really been thinking.
I just really hope that I can do my best

To be a better person
To be a successful person
To be a better son.
To be someone worthwhile

No, I don't yearn to be someone significant
but at least
to repay those whose make a difference in my life.

Yeah. that's it.

18 and still learning.
Maybe I haven't found out more things about myself
I know I will
and hopefully better of myself.

Good night.

2010-11-28T21:23:00.002+08:00

I came into this new semester hoping for a new attitude
I started off well
then as the days passed I lost my momentum.

I can say I secured the VPESS for a B at the minimal
but now I seem to be struggling for PDev
which is a core subject.

Maybe I hate my design
Maybe I am lazy
Maybe I am both

I whined.
I moaned.
I complained.
I did all sorts of rubbish I shouldn't
be allowing myself to do.

Yes I put alot of pressure on myself.
because i felt that I have to disciplined myself.
But as much as I did all those
They failed. I slacked and slacked.

There seemed to be no answers.
I am weak mentally
exactly what I wasn't thinking of myself as.
I give way to all sorts of pressure and think that i didn't.

Maybe it's really time
to stop thinking
about who's better than me
To not compete so much such that it gets all stressful

To stop wanting to be special and talented.
I realized no matter how hard I tried to disciplined
I end up letting the pressure get to me

I forgot the process
the process of learning
the process of enjoyment
It's all those.
School is just a thing now
It may determine who you are now
but definitely not in the future.

It's all about hard work
determination
and being passionate about what you do.
I know a part of me loves architecture
but I doubted myself.

I let all sorts of nonsense get to me.

The talented and stronger students.
They made me fear and not learn.
I should be learning from them because they are good.

Deadlines.
I keep thinking of producing work to submit
but as important as they are.
I shouldn't be submitting work for not wanting to fail.
It should be really submitting works that came from real hard work and sincerity.

So many things got to me.
I forgot all the important things.

I just need to tell myself
to let things come as they may.
To enjoy something you do is the best way you can learn.

I know i have been going in circles and it may never stop.
I just need to tell myself
If I will put my heart and soul into learning it
and just see where it goes from here.

2010-11-15T04:06:00.002+08:00

I think the tired week really got to me.

I lost perspective and got really childish at times.

Like my attitude was really ass.

I should be learn to be more mature at times.

So yeah

I will learn.

I've given attitude to my parents time and time again.

I mean I always said I'm fine but I would

say that in a irritated tone.

Whatever it is, I was selfish

that was it. What done is done.

I shall do my best to not let that happen anymore.

Also watched a video which really just made me

feel like I need to treasure my parents before they are gone.

Because if I don't, I know I will regret big time.

----

On the other hand.

I have this friend who's probably going through emotional times.

I mean I don't know what to say

and I know I shouldn't even say anything.

But I just really wish that she can be happy.

At such a young age, there's still so many things

you've yet to experienced.

Many great things, many sad things.

But even if you're a girl, be strong.

Because you know at some point in time

you need to be strong on your own.

It's not always about someone taking care of you.

You need to show that you can be good on your own too.

Not only for yourself, but also for that someone to not have to worry about you every time.

Life matters when you pick yourself up after every fall.

It's not easy and who ever said it was easy?

But as long as you tell yourself you will, you will.

Things matter when you tell yourself they do.

It's all in the mind.

I just really hope things will turn around

and she can be happy again.

That's all I will hope for.

Alright, time to continue my work.

Bye people.

Another day.

Another lesson.

2010-11-09T01:25:00.001+08:00

When I feel tired all sorts of emo thoughts start coming to me
today happened to be one of those days

I don't know why
but I just feel tired

I really wonder what am I doing
No, nothing's wrong.
I just always question myself

It's like suddenly I lose the motivation to do anything.
I always wonder
why do I always need a purpose to do something?
Must everything I do be meaningful?
It's tiring sometimes.
I wanna stop that but I can't
It's just built in me.

Then I tell myself I shall take a break
then maybe those thoughts will go away
But no they seem to stay
It's like a never-ending cycle.

Then suddenly I thought
why am I always affected by the results and achievements in school

A lot of my friends put in a lot of effort
in their work
In other words, they are perfectionists
Yes they are supposed to drive you to work as well as them
but suddenly today it seemed different

It's like...
why must I follow?
I am a perfectionist too
But I suddenly feel like the whole results thing is overrated
Everything seems to be cycling around it

It's like you see someone put in much effort
and you wanna do the same
But it seems like its the effort and marks that attracts you instead
Shouldn't it be about integrity and willingness to learn?
I don't know
Even I am lost

I don't even know what the heck I am doing
Yes I should stop thinking
and just keep working
but what for?
It's like a robot.
You just do something cause you know it's supposed to be.
It doesn't make sense to me.

I know people probably feel like I've think far too much always
but it's just me.
I wanna do something because it's right to me
not because it's supposed to be.
It just feels... weird to be following everything.

But isn't that why life is tough?
because it sets 'rules' for what is to be
you have to follow or you will suffer
until you find a way to go around it doing your way

I don't know.
It's just been tiring.
I just wanna find an answer soon.

2010-10-31T01:37:00.002+08:00

Quick update on life

1) First week's been good.

gotta keep up the focus for the days to come.

2) Life sucks for I'm thinking a lot.

Why am I getting so much stress from my family?

I hate stress. They suffocate me.

I freaking hate it.

3) Cut my thick hairdo.

Shouldn't have cut short my fringe. now it needs to grow again -.-

4) Heat trashed the Magic.

Their defense was terrific. ALL OVER THE PLACE.

5) and a new disciplinary rule for myself.

Work > NBA matches.

Any matches I miss I will just watch another time.

work must come before everything.

Alright. Bye people.

Need to freaking work tomorrow.

I want to complain but that's being selfish.

Neither here nor there. Freaking suffocating. see?

2010-10-26T03:30:00.006+08:00

其实也没什么好谈的

最近心情比较平淡

也常提醒自己要有规律

该做事时就做事

该放松时才放松

最重要是做自己

别人怎么说不重要

知道做的是对的就无所谓

晚安。

One of the photos I found

which I will used for my assignment

At first I wondered if it was a little too feminine of a choice

Then I thought again.

It didn't matter.

What I was attracted to was the feeling expressed from this photo.

Not whether it was the girl or too feminine.

Lucky I didn't miss the whole point.

If not such a nice photo would have been ignored.

Good night.

2010-10-24T04:09:00.003+08:00

看着高中同学的毕业照

我开始怀念起中学时期的那段日子

每天都过着多姿多彩的生活

早晨五点多就会到学校帮大叔把教室的门打开

放学后无忧无虑地打篮球

考试期间来临便埋头苦干地温书

突然间觉得那段日子其实

多么地富有充实力与满足感

真的

中学所渡过的一切

都是金钱所买不起的

回忆

友情

无论是快乐或是难过的时候

还有

那时的“自己”

这一切都只能当成美好的回忆

我常常都在提醒自己鼓励自己

叫自己要发奋图强

常常以一个似乎很乐观的角度来面对自己

那些都是生活的必须

现在的我其实已经开始迷失方向

一天过着一天

真的很想问自己到底是这么搞得？

坚强的我跑去哪里了？

不宜放弃的我跑去哪里了？

人不该是一天一天地成长吗？

现在的我也许比两年前的我成熟些

但心态却不同了

少了些努力与奋斗精神

总而言之

大家要珍惜自己所拥有过的一切

因为时间不能逆转

快乐的过去就过去

伤心的过去就过去

白痴的过去就过去

特别是童年的回忆

那时金钱永远都卖不回的

晚安。

Just keep moving forward.

There's the only way to find back what you seek.

2010-10-22T22:56:00.001+08:00

2 more days till school reopens.

Hopefully it will be a semester

where I can turn everything around.

Nah.

I don't really earn to be anyone famous.

Just simple and meaningful will do.

I do spend some time

just wandering around or near my house

maybe sitting down by the bench

or just taking a stroll at night.

Yeah, it's kinda "emo"

or that I'm thinking a lot.

But seriously.

Sometimes I'm just sitting down

and staring.

Yeah. No thinking.

It's just lazying at a better spot

with better scenery.

Ciao.

-----------------------------------------------------------

2010-10-22T03:44:00.002+08:00

I am turning into a fan of local artistes.
Joi Tsai (Cai Chun Jia)
Wu Jia Hui
Serene Koong
etc etc

Currently I am listening to Stefanie Sun.

I'm a sensitive being so somehow my emotions rules over my logic
It's a feeling hard to express
It's just that when I listen to their songs
I feel... warm and just this feelings that draws me to wanna listen over and over again.
Maybe there's a local flavor in their songs.
I don't know.
I can't explain.
It's a feelings kind of thing.
But whatever it is, their songs are a few of my faves.

So...
Life.

Everyday I seem to observe a little something.
Well... 18 years.
Acutally it's still young
and you still have to learn.

I think a lot and i bet many people knows about that.
At the same time, I tend to put a lot of faults on myself.
which leads to stress and many other problems.

So when I make a mistake
I can go over and over them again.
After 18 years, maybe I am still the same.
But I do realized the need to think lesser.

When I do make mistakes.
Then I will just tell myself.
"It happened."
I tell myself, it's probably meant this way.

Maybe I am a believer of fate
or I am starting to believe it more.
Because thinking back can't do much, moving on and you never know what's gonna happen.

Might as well tell yourself.
when something happened, it just did so.
Whether it's good or bad, it's meant to be.
But carry the mentality that at least you tried.

When you try hard and it doesn't happen.
It's just didn't because it wasn't meant to be.
When you try hard and it does happen.
It just did because it was meant to be but at the same time
because you made it happened.

There, a little consolation.
Life is harsh. but when you be optimistic, it doesn't kill you one bit.
No one bit, maybe you look foolish to others
but at the end of the day, you did yourself a favor
you appreciated life when they probably didn't.

I'm supposed to be awake
in 4 hrs. gosh i better sleep now.

To Os people, good luck for yr exams.
Make yourselves proud.
whatever happens happens
Just make sure at least you tried.

2010-10-20T04:03:00.002+08:00

I bet nobody knows

I take at least 1 hr before I fall asleep.

Yeah crazy huh

I would be listening to my music player

and letting my imaginations run wild

also constantly thinking about the past, present and future.

Well

It definitely came across my mind

that I think too much

Then again

when I don't think

It feels weird and it never happens

So the solution is just to put the thinking

at the right time

That applies to life.

It's about balancing.

Doing the right things at the right time.

I guess I do analyse myself a lot.

Like I'm more of an introvert actually.

To me

I guess I enjoy myself more through all these

emotional types of satisfaction.

Extroverts probably get their enjoyment

through activities and going out pretty often

They are social people.

They are those that live for the day and

the things they do are the ones that bring them their fun and happiness

For me personally

I guess I get my sense of satisfaction by letting

my imagination run wild.

It's kinda unrealistic actually

Like most of the time, we make up for what we can't enjoy in other ways

For this case

We replace all the social activities

simply by thinking and imagining.

Kinda creepy but whatever

That's me alright.

Alright

I'm just bored so I'm blogging.

School's starting soon.

Yup.

Buckle up and time for another ride soon.

2010-10-03T04:29:00.004+08:00

Here I am

4+ in the morning

Can't seem to sleep at all.

I guess my body clock has changed.

Well I just had some thoughts

so I wanted to post them here.

Blogging is important

Because it constantly reminds me of my thought process

For me especially

since the moment I sleep and wake up

my emotions will start anew

all the previous motivational mood will be gone.

That is John Mayer
and the song I will talk about is
"No Such Thing"

I love this song
and only came to realize the meaning behind it
recently

Basically
it talks about the cliche of having
to follow the "typical" school path to career
and that he wants to follow his own path to success

So yeah. It's about daring to dream.
Dreaming and following it are two different things
I love to do the first
but never the second.

so this song is also my motivation
that I will work hard
and someday reach my goal.

So day one.
Nothing much.
I went to the library
borrowed 4 books
3 on interior spaces
1 on Autocad tips

other than that
the work's gonna come later
only after I've gotten my rest.

So yeah
sometimes I do feel stupid.
Like why do I sound so...
motivated and optimistic?

Honestly
I think we are at the point in our lives
where we have to be serious with what we do

It's kind of a do-or-die situation
and with such stiff competition
I doubt that I can make it to uni even
that just means I will join the workforce soon enough

So to not make things any worse
why not be optimistic?
make the best out of what you've got
when you are optimistic
it's no longer a do-or-die situation
you will start viewing things differently

Best of all
what's there to lose when you are optimistic?
Maybe I will fall over and over again
Maybe I will be wrong at times
Maybe I will make myself a fool many a times
but hey
If you never make mistakes, never be wrong, never look foolish
then what's there to learn in life even?

I realize that that sort of mentality isn't drilled into me
I only accept things and mistakes I want to accept
It shouldn't be that way
I should do something genuinely and if I'm wrong
I learn it the hard way.

So yeah
New pointers for myself.

You know
I may not know what's ahead for me

But until I tried
I will never know if it works
Even if it doesn't
At least I tried.

2010-10-02T01:10:00.006+08:00

It's been days since I last blogged.

So here I am.

Gonna make this a long post though.

It's pretty much a self-reflection period.

At the same time I will share some amazing
pictures I got from Bing.
:)

So holidays are here.
What have I been up to?

Just going out once in a while
playing games mostly
and
I've been practicing my guitar skills
Well, just learning for leisure that's all.

1st half of Year 2 had been a pretty amazing journey.
Even in just that short few month period

My friends had changed me in some ways.
I am more open and crazy in some sense.
Also, all the fun seemed to have taken a whole lot
of my thinking away
(Except when I'm designing and that kinda ruined my project..)

Anyway knowing myself
I know I can't get away without thinking.
But P2 was a real wake up call for me.

P2 was the moment
that made me felt so disappointed.
I had never had that much regret in my life
(Breakup was the most but that's all in the past)

I was really affected.
For a few days I couldn't bring myself together.
I know that I was really disappointed in myself.

It made me realized
how much my lack of self-confidence had killed me.
I needed to make a change.
Something which I knew I had to
but I was always finding excuses to avoid.

I always had the play-safe mentality.
I thought it could always guarantee me
100% genuine responses.
But life doesn't go that way.
I needed to realize that and P2 made it happened.

My past lecturers for projects had told me
I could design.
I always took that compliment but never 100%.

It is really time to make a change.
I have to have a sense of confidence in me.

When you don't
people who expected much of you gets disappointed.
You feel disappointed in yourself as well.
I think those doesn't matter as much as
the possibility of something good happening.

It just isn't fair.
It isn't fair to anyone and most of all yourself.

Jump into the pool and see what happens.
It is time for me to be more daring.
I need to raise my level of expectations.

That will be the focus I shall take
when school term begins again.
Be daring
Be confident
Be a willing learner
and never back down from problems.

So this shall be my first expectation from myself.
Make the change. Expect myself to do it.

I've been lazying at home
the past days just playing guitar and games.
From tomorrow onwards
I need to change.

Can't waste my entire holidays.
One change in me is that I don't play ball that much anymore
BUT
I'm still a hardcore NBA fan.

So I shall limit the amount of time I spend on games.
and take a few hours each day to enhance my design skills.
I need to gain that momentum and
continue that into the new school term.

I realized I strayed away from my goal a bit
How I loved the nature and wished to travel to places
when I get older.

Looking at all these amazing nature photos
is overwhelming.
It just makes me more excited and wanting to get out
there to look at mother nature more closely.

I shall continue to remind myself
that this will be part of my goals.

Growing up and now that I'm 18
I realized a lot of problems surface

They kind of take away your motivation
and aspirations.

How do I put it...
Many of these issues are like

The society is going to be harsh..
Am I going to get a good job?
I need to be more serious in my work
etc..

All those issues.
I mean they kinda blind you away
They make you forget what your goals and motivation are.

Then you become lost.

We often watch inspiring films
that's the case for me of course.
and we get touched by how one person
can carry on with life against all his obstacles
despite all the doubts and disbelief
and pull through to succeed and inspire others.

Sounds amazing.

But the moment we individuals step into our own lives.
That perspective is gone.
We let our fears blind us again.
I have that mindset.
But I need to change.

It's not about being unrealistic
but instead
giving your best at something
because you will never know until you try.
When you fail, you fail
but at least you tried.

So again,
I shall take a new approach
and take that into the new school term.

These amazing animals.
I like to watch wildlife films
but haven't been watching in months.

I am more of a loner type
not entirely anti-social or can't communicate
I just sometimes
prefer to hang out on my own and watch these inspiring films etc.

It gives me my time to think and
reflect on life.
It also makes me appreciate things much better.

Again I hope all these inspiring photos
will be my source of motivation.

To remind myself constantly
that I need to work hard (Which I haven't)
and that someday I will be the one at these places.

So now I'm going to rest already.
Need to wake up early

My highly-anticipated Heat Training Camp will be
showing later on around 6-7 am on NBA

So I can't miss it.

Miami Heat's been amazing because
of what they pull through.
Now they've got a fantastic team
and their goal will be winning the championship.

Honestly
I feel special to be their fan.
Because I didn't become a Heat fan only after they acquire LeBron and Bosh
I was already a fan of Miami despite their mediocre 2 seasons
I've been behind the team even though they weren't the best.

Because of people like Dwyane Wade and Alonzo Mourning
seeing the things they do on court
the passion they have
they make me love basketball even more

Now that they put together one of the best teams ever
it makes me feel special to be a fan of theirs.

I look forward the the season they have
and hopefully they prove the doubters wrong
and win the championship.

I sound like a crazy fellow now but hey
I am proud to be one.
:)

Alright I need to take my rest
Training camp to watch
Probably a trip to the library
and dinner at night with Fendy and Jin Yi

A new approach to life
taking the small steps to success
I will work my ass off for my future projects
I will.
I demand myself to do so.

One day I will be there.
This shall be my motivation.

Good night people.

2010-09-24T01:20:00.002+08:00

I like to listen to music and start imagining things.

Often I wished life was a little different.

I wished it was like those in the stories.

Like you could be a hero of your own story

That heroic, patriotic feeling you get feels great.

But life isn't like this.

It's a series of challenges.

When you succeed you don't stop there.

You move on and challenge yourself further.

That is life.

Never ending cycle.

I guess I just haven't found any motivation in life yet.

2010-09-21T23:02:00.003+08:00

Disappointment never tasted so bad for me.

disappointment can even be

the lack of confidence in yourself.

Because when you don't

people who probably see something in you

they get disappointed.

You're not just disappointing yourself

but also people around you.

You know

sometimes it's just the helpless feeling.

Since p1 i told myself

I'm not gonna screw p2 up.

Guess what.

Today I screwed up my presentation.

I'm a pretty straightforward person.

even when i show my emotions.

I didn't hide my disappointed face.

Why should I?

It makes me feel like I'm not bothered with my work.

But people always come up and tell you

move on move on.

Yeah, I understand.

That doesn't mean I will carry a smile on my face.

Yet doing that and learning your mistakes feel so hard.

Real tough.

Every stage of life, there's an obstacle.

I used to have issues getting over relationship

now I'm having difficulties with my work ethic.

I don't know.

Every year the stress accumulates.

Because every year you get closer to becoming a real working adult.

Carry real responsibilities.

This is a stage I must get past.

My work ethic.

There's nothing I can do.

All I can do is move on and learn from it.

Today is a pretty sucky day actually.

I am currently having a slight stomach upset.

At the same time,

my parents seem to be on the verge of quarreling.

I still remember what happened years ago.

Please don't let things get any worse today.

Please.

2010-09-17T01:20:00.002+08:00

I was at the bus-stop
really thinking about things.

All along
I've always thought that I am mentally tough.
I guess I have been deceiving myself for so long.

I have been misled by my own actions.
I failed to notice that
laziness and ill-discipline had gotten me into what I am now.

I am not as mentally tough as before anymore.
It's time for me to realize that.

Being mentally strong and not giving up
means to really put in all my effort regardless of the final results.
To tell myself that at the end of everything
I will achieve something.
Despite whether there's any glory in it
I will be contend with what I did.

That's the mindset of being tough mentally.
I have lost it for quite a while.
It's time to really get back into that mood.

Never let the word 'sleep' influence my decisions.
Starting from now until the final submission of P2.
I need to carry that attitude.
I need that attitude to help me survive and at the very least
not disappoint myself.

I know I need to start now.
Now is the best time to do so.

2010-09-14T03:07:00.004+08:00

I came to realize

I've lost some parts of me.

I lost track of certain things which I shouldn't have.

I really ought to do some reflection.

I forgotten what it meant to be strong.

I forgotten what it meant to rise upon challenges.

Like I used to be in secondary school,

never backing down from problems and just persevering on.

This new life i lead

somehow isn't making me any stronger.

Instead, I get more frustrated and start running away more.

This isn't the way to go.

I know it. I know myself.

I know my capability to withstand tough times and stand strong.

But somehow, I get more tired.

I also spend lesser time with my friends

from secondary school.

I feel bad sometimes but sometimes I really can't be bothered.

If any of you are reading this, it's not that I am not as concerned as before.

It's just. Face it. This is my new life.

I know what's the decision to make and I will make it.

I understand some of you

feel that if you guys can manage your tight schedules then so can I.

But hey, have you ever put yrself in my position?

To sometimes not sleep and just pull all-nighters to finish work.

Worst, sometimes you know you aren't supposed to sleep yet you just did.

then you wake up to blame yourself and put more stress onto yourself

telling and blaming yourself for sleeping.

Then you get all upset and fed-up because your work just looks like a piece of crap.

I don't wanna blame anyone.

Because I myself don't have that discipline in me.

Even when I do have free time

I will spend the time at home surfing net, watching movies and playing games.

It's my time to really chill out and sometimes I just wanna spend it alone.

I also feel like a asshole

when I can't be there for my friends at times.

When they need a listening ear or at least someone to accompany them.

Sometimes I am really busy

or just that I have my own problems.

Seriously, I feel so selfish.

But I realize doing things for people all the time is impossible.

It's just not possible to please everyone at times.

Worst of all, you are not even doing yourself a favor by pleasing yourself at the very least.

There are a lot of things on my mind.

But now's not the time to rant.

I have so many things to do by tmr.

A design concept for pcomdi.

A essay 2 pgs for pcomdi.

Continuing my p2 progress.

I hate it when I am stress and start behaving like a ranting brat.

I should be composed and doing my best.

I don't hate this life.

I just hate myself.

I hate myself for not being able to perform to standard.

To not be a good friend at times.

To be stressed up which can be annoying.

To not be discipline.

I hate how I am doing things now.

I hate that I am not performing the best I can.

The best that someone with all the capability can perform to.

I am disappointed in myself.

Nevermind.

I will pick myself up from here.

I need to be stronger.

This is only a small obstacle compared to other things

the unfortunate people face.

I need to be strong.

This is the best I can do.

Bye people.

2010-09-02T01:47:00.004+08:00

I am quite happy today actually
I got a pretty good grade and some good comments from my peeps
regarding my project

Honestly speaking
I was lost. I totally had no idea what I was doing.

A lot of people commented about my lack of self confidence.
Honestly speaking I can get really arrogant at times
just that most people don't know it.

Somewhere in me
I think I have this talent for design
But then again I will tell myself
I am a nobody

It's a way of being humble
or in a way you can think
It gets you more praises and approval because of people
constantly at your ears telling you that you are capable.

Somehow
Humans are so deceiving
I am one
I feel like a hypocrite sometimes

As the days pass
I realized that things have changed pretty much

I used to be thinking about life questions so often
now it's becoming really seldom

Maybe this so-called 'lifeless' life is taking effects
I probably have no time to think about other things other than work or
constantly telling myself and stressing about discipline

I used to tell myself
When I grow up
I want to help the people in need
I want to be useful person
I want to change another person's life
I want to make a difference.

Somehow you think again
It isn't what a designer's life is.
So I am constantly stuck on the road
because of my stubborn nature

Once I think in a way
It's gonna constantly go that way
It's gonna be hard for anyone to change my mindset at all.

I also doubt myself
If I have became more irresponsible

I obviously have.

I currently owe 4-5 friends money
and I have yet to pay up.
They obviously don't mind but it's such a bad habit for me.
It's time for me to stop spending
Furthermore, I have no part-time job currently.

I also seem to spend lesser time at home
I spend lesser time helping my family.

I sometimes have to push off outings with friends.
They may wonder if I have changed
But how do I explain to them?
I mean. this is my 'new' life.
Will they understand?
That this life needs so much discipline and I don't have it yet.

I used to think if I will ever change as I grow.
I've seen my brothers changed and that was significant.
I constantly wonder if I will still be that good boy I was.
What if I become a criminal in the future
I mean, you will never know isn't it?

I'm still young
So many things can change.
Maybe in some parts of life I am lost.

This design life is pretty hectic.
to make things worst
I am such a lazy person and ill-disciplined.

That just made life so much tougher.
But hey I gotta be strong.

Life is a gift.
When I born a normal person.
I should live up to my expectation as one.
This is the basic respect I should give myself and others.

Relationships are still on my mind
I had probably lied to a million people
that it hadn't crossed my mind at all.

I am lying.

Face it and I know it so clearly.
Relationship will play a big part of my life.
I love my family and friends.
All the more I will love my girlfriend or whatsoever if it ever happens.

I constantly think of the 'what ifs'
I sometimes question myself
Because I really don't know if I can handle one.
I would think about it and really feel like
it would be such a tiring process
Plus the fact that I have no income now
It's just gonna be tougher.

I will think to myself
if it happens to be a breakup
how will I take it?
I can say that I have learnt my lesson and I will leave it.
But who knows what's really going to happen?

I made things worst with my ex.
I tried to do too much.
Lucky for myself
I slap myself awake and now we are on better terms.
I am a failure in this

Maybe I am too stubborn.
If I really want a relationship.
I want a serious one.
I don't play with it, it isn't fair to the other party at all.

But it's probably a fact that relationships don't go the way I think.
It's my stubborn, wishful-thinking that's killing me.
Until I really learn what this weird thing is about
I will probably still be too timid or scared to face it.

Alright I need to start on my work already.
Ciao people.

2010-08-30T23:46:00.002+08:00

Every time I doubt myself

I will scold myself

Because I will expect that to be the paranoid side of me

working up again

I will expect that to be my low self confidence

working up again.

So I will tell myself to move on

But now it's really a huge question mark.

Or maybe I am just tired after not sleeping for a whole day.

Am I really really suited for this course?

I just look at the things I design

and it just looks weird to me

as though I'm not doing things right.

Maybe after 2 days of staring at the sketch-up

trying to sort out the spaces have made me sick and tired of this

that I no longer wished to think about anything related to design.

It's killing my motivation to continue designing.

I'm just fed-up

It's draining my life away.

I could not meet up with my friend

I haven't play basketball for nearly 3 weeks.

Tomorrow's TK trip I also cannot afford to go.

I mean, yeah of course

If I were to manage time I can do all these

But what the heck?

It's like.

Damn.

Whatever.

I'm too fed-up to talk about this.

Screw this shit

Hopefully a good night rest get this shitty feeling out of me.

2010-08-22T02:14:00.003+08:00

I am back again :)

Guess today wasn't such a productive day :/

Played 2 NBA games at home and watched random videos.

BUT

I did went through the several websites Fatimah gave me

Really awesome websites.

Gave me lots of inspirations for my p2.

Then again, I'm kinda tired now.

So I guess i will just continue my work tomorrow.

Just wanna point out some observations.

I realized the owners of those webs

really have a love for architecture

You can sense their happiness in putting up those

wonderful visuals and thanking all their followers.

That really amused me.

Because being a designer, any kind of designer,

you basically live a busy holiday-less life.

And even in academic systems we can see how tiring this career is.

Yet, from these webs alone

I can sense their happiness in loving what they do.

Furthermore, these are real architects who can even

afford to post new pictures nearly every single day.

That goes to show how much they love their job.

This really taught me something new.

That loving what you do is very important

It drives you to be the best you can be.

Learning that

I need to tell myself to love what I learn

Because only then will I be able to come up with productive results.

I don't mind architecture.

The websites really inspired me.

Architecture can be so interesting

Not just buildings and functionality.

When you add interesting elements and creativity,

Architecture can be such a fun thing.

Really.

Just that I need the discipline to do well.

Alright.

Good night people!

Live life to the fullest!

2010-08-21T16:38:00.002+08:00

Be yourself.

It's that important.

When people hate you, they hate you for who you are.

When they love you, they love you for who you are.

Most importantly

You are being true to yourself and everyone else around you.

That's what i always tell myself.

Then again

I will always re-evaluate to ensure myself

that while I'm being myself

I'm not a selfish individual.

---

Some people find that I'm a hard-worker.

Actually that's not the case.

I'm not as hardworking as you guys may think.

It's kinda dumb when you see someone working hard and yet producing borderline results.

Well, I'm that kind of person.

I know I'm not smart.

I know I take a longer time to absorb things

I know I need time to think about things.

And most of the time,

I take longer time to achieve results that many may achieve in shorter periods.

But that's all there is to working hard.

Because I know I need to work harder to make up for what I am not.

So don't look at me and think I'm good.

I'm just working harder because I know I am not a genius.

2010-08-21T00:11:00.003+08:00

Haven't been getting enough rest

for quite a while.

There's been this on and off feverish feeling

inside me for the past few days.

Shall do some self-updating..

CDI is on the verge of completion.

We've been on a good progress which is awesome.

Somethings happened today and it kind of

affected me a little

but I can't let my emotions go wild.

just tell myself

Gotta finish the project no matter what happens.

P2 however, is on the slow track.

Plan is to

1) Get some rest tonight and recharge

2) Spend the saturday clearing my head and get ahold of the concept

3) Sunday morning help out my mom, after which continue my work at home

4) Monday get back to school and start whacking many many models

All these plans mean

I have to skip basketball tomorrow

and theres this BBQ on monday

I'm still pondering to go or not,

because going will mean a whole day wasted

or I could at the least go for the BBQ at night.

Many things to be done by Wednesday.

I know I can do this

Just need to discipline myself.

---

I used to think that I was mature

like in secondary school especially

Because I was able to understand things better than people

Coming to poly

I realized i am wrong after all.

I ain't that mature after all.

I'm still 18.

I still can't define what maturity is.

All I know is that I will learn as I live.

I'm just 18 after all :)

I was watching one episode of

Stars for a cause II

this celebrity was spending time

helping out at a center for down-syndrome kids.

He said something that couldn't be put any nicer.

He felt that he was fortunate to be normal.

And being normal, it just means the more we should do our jobs as normal people

More we should be caring and making the best of what we have.

That statement he made really moved me.

Shouldn't we all think like that?

To be happy with what we have and make the best of them.

It's alright to complain, everyone does that.

However, think for a second.

If you learn to forgive and forget

I'm sure we will all realize that life feels a lot better.

2010-08-14T12:12:00.002+08:00

2 weeks holidays are here.

But it's going to be mixed fun and work.

Yeah. have fun and do school work at the same time.

CDI went pretty well.

There weren't much praises but at least there weren't much negative comments either

p2 however, needs some catching up

because I'm still lost for the concept.

I've gotten some ideas how to work it out

so I just need to sit myself down

and sort things out.

---

Now

I have some things to blog about.

I came to realize, I've pretty much changed.

I've became a much cheerful person.

I used to be alone a lot.

Constantly thinking a lot to myself, about the world and such.

Don't worry though, not suicide.

That idea will never come to me.

It's more about the world and how sometimes I wished it could turned out instead.

My friends I hang out with

I realized i think less when I'm with them.

Nah, it isn't bad.

It's good actually, somehow, I've become a much positive person.

yesterday as I made my way to Marina to meet some peeps

I was doing my usual thing, my habit

observing people and then thinking about things.

The old people and unfortunate ones especially.

I used to have the thinking

that I didn't want to know about the killings

the sad things around the world

I felt that it would be an insult to them.

To those unfortunate people

that I dig my nose in to see how unlucky they were.

Now, 18 years old as I am.

I came to realize that was foolish of me.

It wasn't about the feelings of insulting them

It should be about the need to know.

The need to know means a need to care.

It means a need to understand and then learn

It was about learning them and then taking a step further

to see if you can make a difference from it.

As I thought about that.

I told myself

I am lucky to be able to have fun.

Whether or not you are good at something

like playing basketball like a pro

or even the simplest of sharing a laughter with your friends.

You are fortunate.

To even have the time, the small one minute of happiness

to be happy with your friends.

You are fortunate.

But don't stop there.

Make it worthwhile

spread that to someone else.

Because when you have the time to have fun

do something good and share that time to help someone else.

Never forget being compassionate.

It sounds gay or sissy to some of you

but think about it.

While you are thinking about yourself the whole time

don't forget what you have

is because someone before you left it for you.

The least you can ever do

is to leave something behind for the next generation.

2010-08-09T01:10:00.004+08:00

I'm here to remind myself

to pour out all the unnecessary thoughts

Because I know I can accomplish some great things in these 2 months.

I know I can work out p2

and I know my group can work out CDI.

We are so darn gonna make this work out.

We'll prove to ourselves and the doubters

that we can achieve something

We can so darn gonna make this a reality.

At the end of the day

we will hold our heads up

and be contented with what we done.

It makes a ton of difference

when you believe in what you do.

2010-08-07T00:09:00.003+08:00

I'm not gonna lie.

I am tired now.

I have skipped basketball alternate weeks

includes tomorrow.

To cope with my tight schedule

this is what I have to do

I don't regret it though.

Because the sense of achievement you will get is far greater

As of now

this is what I have to cope

External project and school major project.

plus, if the external project becomes a success

it becomes such a huge portfolio for me

because it will become a real existing space.

A real space.

REAL.

I doubted myself

if I was stupid to take on the external project.

I didn't wanna look stupid.

In fact,

I hate looking ashamed.

A few days ago

I was pissed off.

pissed off with some comments made.

That fired me up.

That was a wake up call.

I'm going to prove to you

that I didn't take the project to look miserable.

I didn't take it to end up looking like a fool.

Most of all

this is to prove to myself.

I didn't take this on to screw up.

Nope.

I am going to prove to myself.

Just another happy moment in class :D

2010-07-31T15:04:00.006+08:00

Woke up around 11am and I realized

I haven't rest this much since last week.

Since the start of p2

I've practically spent entire days at school

weekends at SMU for group assignment

and then the past 5 days at school too.

Finally today is my day off.

Will be playing basketball later on.

But tomorrow

business resumes and I start on my work again.

I've decided on Ami Vitale

as my client and i feel good about it.

As I read her biography

I came to realize that we share the same passion in some ways.

I used to think of myself

as an over-sensitive guy.

Because i like to say,

How weird it is for us to carry on our daily lives

when there are people out there fighting for survival every day.

People will criticize me for being over-sensitive and that depresses me

Then comes along Ami Vitale.

To my surprise, she holds the same thinking as I do.

When she told those residents in rural areas

how she could receive water with just a switch

it bewildered the people.

To those people, tap water is like magic.

To us, it's like an everyday thing.

As much as I seemed to exaggerate on this thing

It is that true.

How people in other countries do not get the luxury as we do.

It teaches you to be humble and appreciate things you have.

We all have a right to demand and complain

but if we can do that a little bit lesser

we may learn to appreciate life better isn't it?

Sometimes the way to improve isn't to demand and complain

It is to shut up and listen.

Because some things are already there.

We just never took the chance to see it clearly.

Are you guys ready for the HEAT?

Roster is almost done and now the season awaits.

Current Roster

PG: Mario Chalmers, Carlos Arroyo

SG: Dwyane Wade, Eddie House

SF: LeBron James, Mike Miller, James Jones

PF: Chris Bosh, Udonis Haslem, Juan Howard

C: Joel Anthony, Jamaal Magloire, Zydrunas Ilgauskas

Potential Prospects:

Kenny Hasbrouck and Shavlik Randolph (Non-Guaranteed Contracts)

Dexter Pittman (Guaranteed Contract)

Jarvis Varnado and De'Sean Butler

With 14 roster spots confirmed

it will be exciting to know who takes the last spot.

Some speculations saying Butler will take it.

If not for the injury, he could have been a 1st round pick.

For now, we can only wait for the season to start.

Above is a photo taken by David Burnett in Ethiopia.

Beautiful isn't it?

It speaks a sad reality despite how beautiful this shot seems.

It's amazing how a photo can speak a thousand words.

Such is the work of a photojournalist.

Time passes and I constantly wonder.

Who will I be in the future?

What will I be doing?

What about my friends?

That's all.

Good bye people.

2010-07-29T00:46:00.003+08:00

There are some annoying things

about me i don't like so much

I want to change them

I can't.

Seriously. damn annoying.

i want to change.

2010-07-26T01:47:00.003+08:00

2 more days to go.

Even though it's tiring

The group work has been fun

and you can learn a lot from it

I've pretty much decided on my client

I'm gonna work on photojournalist

Originally, i wanted to work on something I like

But Alan said before

Don't do something you like

Do something you can work with

I decided on photojournalist

because in the design world

Unless you are so darn good

you can't decide your client

so it's best to try out different styles and needs

Photojournalist in a way

they are like warriors of this world

They uncover the secrets of this world

the crime, the shame, the ugly truth to the people

Yes, it's pretty much a "shameless" job

but it takes courage to expose the undesirable things

And it takes integrity to be doing something like this

people can either hate you or love you.

They pretty much take risks to get things done.

Even though I'm a pretty quiet person

this character of the job relates to me

Because I somehow loves justice

I want to make a difference in this world

positively

because many of us dare not take the step.

I dare make that statement

because it's really not easy

Imagine you have to expose child slavery

would you go to the extreme of going in secretly

trying to take pictures in the face of death?

Those people, doing those crimes, they will do what it takes

to silence you as long as you try to expose them

Imagine yourself in that stage

it's never easy to say yes

But if one can do it, he deserves much respect.

Yes, that's what photojournalist are

With that, the ideas are coming to my head

Courage

Justice

Taking pictures more than just what they are

Pictures that tell stories

These will be the ideas I revolve around

The concept I shall take

Yes.

I'm so darn excited for p2!

Woolala

Good night people :D

2010-07-20T22:02:00.007+08:00

Life's been stressed... but fun.

P2 has been crazy but awesome.

How do I put it...

I love projects because it brings everyone together

it's when a class truly feels like a class

Working under Jeff and JS is definitely stressed

But when you listen carefully

and observed how they execute their work

You will learn something

You will feel enlightened.

Even if it's stressed, I can always talk cock with Azure

My lecturer Alan has been real good so far

He's really committed to teaching us.

Though I don't like the strictness he employ on us

I have to understand that they are necessary

He has an interesting way of thinking

That has impressed me the most by far.

I fully trust in him

because I know he can make me a better student

so I am actually looking forward to sharing my design idea with him

Cliques are something everybody will face

I think I've found mine

Hanging around them has been fun nevertheless

they are more easy-going and fun to hang out with

I am not very close with every one of them

except a few

Fatimah was my first project partner in Poly

She's basically a crazy girl but always fun to hang out with

Like a monkey trapped in a girl's body

This is the one I cannot disturb... at all

Akid is the cool-looking but actually darn blur person

He's a little slow (HAH!) but always easy to talk to

We like to share our ideas and talk about our own interests

And also, I like to disturb him occasionally

Stephanie the short but adorable girl

We were in the same orientation group but I didn't talk to her much

She's gullible but also because of that, she's very likeable

I disturb her the MOST

I figured that nobody would read my blog

so i typed the above

Of course, the rest of the group of guys

Azure, Mehk, Syai, Amanda and Janice are a bunch of crazy people also

Each and every one of them special in their own ways

I just wanna credit these awesome guys for making my school life

so much more enjoyable

I am fearful of relationships

I'm not ashamed to say that

Because the fact that

you feel lifeless when your high hopes are crushed

It isn't anybody's fault but mine because

I put in too much feelings

Because it felt so hard to accept the truth

I'm just afraid that if i start all over again

the same thing will happen

and I start getting all depressed again

I have yet to sink in the thinking that

Love is like this

When there are happy times, there's bound to be the sad times

It's just how it goes

Something that you can't change at all

Until then

I just have to enjoy life to the fullest

with whatever I'm doing

I know i am not supposed to like you

I am just letting time to rid me of the feeling

2010-07-19T00:32:00.003+08:00

I can't seem to sleep yet.

A lot of things on my mind

Because so many things will be happening

from tomorrow onwards

P2 starts officially tomorrow

I will be working under Rachna

and I'm actually looking forward to it.

Somehow I actually feel pretty pumped-up

and excited

Also had some other things

I think I wanna make a move on

Some issues I hope I can make a difference in

Not forgetting

G60 final presentation this Tuesday

So as soon as it is finished

we can all focus on p2 entirely

Alright, need to sleep

Bye people

Wish me luck.

Miami Heat Roster (as of late):

1) Mario Chalmers PG

2) Dwyane Wade SG

3) LeBron James SF

4) Chris Bosh PF

5) Udonis Haslem PF

6) Mike Miller SG

7) Joel Anthony C

8) Dexter Pittman C (Rookie)

9) Zydrunas Ilgauskas C

Possible Signings:

10) Jamaal Magloire C

11) Carlos Arroyo PG

12) Juan Howard PF

Watching the sky

One of my favorite hobbies :]

2010-07-18T00:38:00.002+08:00

Reflecting on my mission statement

I realized things haven't change

My wishes and goals have been simple

For my family to be well-off

For everyone I love to be in good shape

For me to travel around the world

If I ever get rich, I will just get what is necessary

and do best with the rest by helping the needy

After a year

These things still remain my goals

It's pretty amazing.

Because those are what I really want.

I really miss geography lessons

Having to sit down and look at all the sceneries

and getting fascinated by them

I miss it.

When i reflect

I think these two years have been hectic

I have came to learn even more about life and myself

Sometimes they become a little

too overwhelming for me to handle

I can't explain.

It's just more complicated than ever before

I guess that's growing up?

More things are going to come at me

I know they are definitely going to make me stronger

but all the stress and pressure?

I hope I can handle.

Bus rides are enjoyable

Sitting comfortably

Watching the sceneries outside

Sceneries running like the film strips

All the things you need

to sit you down and think about life and memories

Bus rides are the best.

2010-07-16T18:15:00.006+08:00

Life's like crap now.

I feel like slacking

but there seems to be chunk of work to do

Theres a chunk of work to do

yet I cant focus

While I can't focus

I'm feeling so damn hungry

While i am so damn hungry

I can't seem to eat anything

I can't eat anything nice

until my ulcer is gone

Until my ulcer completely heals

Life sucks so far.

Life.

What should I do?

I don't usually like to say the phrase

"Life sucks"

But somehow

I am just sian to the max.

bye.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

2010-07-16T00:23:00.003+08:00

Well

I am a loner.

Not upset with that.

Because comfortable on your own

is something hard to do

Not many people can do that.

I like the peace and quiet when I'm alone to think about things.

It's like a break from all the heavy stuffs around me.

Still, you can't deny

without socializing

you can't survive in this world.

Anyone who told you that he or she doesn't need any friends

that person is a liar.

You can't have many friends

but at least some and a few really good friends.

I know I can be boring.

Like real boring.

Because I'd rather hear and talk about personal stuffs

than gossips and others.

But I am trying to make a change.

Appreciating my friends around me

and making effort to find them on my own.

It's gonna be tough

but it's worth it all.

I trust that I will be someone useful in the future.

I have a question

It's seems so hard to answer

How do you balance love life and everything else?

Don't get the wrong idea

I'm not in a relationship.

But just wondering

Because if I were to put myself in that persons shoe

I think it's tough

It's that tough to please everyone.

2010-07-14T20:31:00.003+08:00

Being 18 has pretty overwhelming.

As much as the usual amount of stress I've always placed on myself

the thoughts of being an adult just makes life more difficult.

The load and responsibility are piling up.

Few relatives and adults

had approached me

asking me to aim for university

Is it possible?

I used to think so.

I still want to.

Decisions also should be made with maturity.

Such as sacrificing for your family

or important matters.

A few incidents here and there made learn a lot.

I start to appreciate people around me more.

For example,

I realized how much my family means to me

Especially my Mom

She's worked a hell lot for this family.

She's been a role model for me all my life

Even some friends I never really bothered to care too much about

Because I used to take things for granted

I don't know if I've changed for the better

but I will do my best

I had a new idea in my head

How about doing community work

for at least once every week?

A graduate in my course used to do that

That sounds like a great idea to me

I never like to guarantee anything

Because I hate to disappoint

I can't live up to that guilt

Even now I can't guarantee anyone anything

But in the near future

I hope I will be someone who's doing something good.

Short updates:

Sadly, we have to say our good byes to Q-Rich and D-Wright who will be heading to

Orlando and Golden State respectively

They are good friends of Wade.

As much as I hate to see them leave, best wishes to these guys.

However, we need to welcome Haslem back.

He, like our three superstars, took lesser money to rejoin the HEAT.

In fact, he took at least 2/3 of what he could have gotten elsewhere.

Glad to have you back Haslem :D

Mike Miller and Ilgauskas are reported to be signing papers soon.

That's all for now

update more soon.

2010-07-10T13:32:00.010+08:00

In response to the earlier post this morning.

I'm glad to say that

I'm 100% behind HEAT from now on.

Earlier on

I was ranting about loyalty and what

the HEAT did in order to win.

After reading tons of reports and watching the post conference.

I've changed my mind.

HEAT is on the right track.

No doubt at all.

The celebration was huge.

It was entertaining and

I've definitely heard some positive replies from the guys

during the interviews.

First of all,

The Big Three in Miami

have done as they promised, taking lesser money

in order to complete the roster.

I know Wade and Bosh are going to give 100% effort

so now my questions and doubt lingers in LeBron.

Until he proves that team and winning come first,

I will continue to doubt the decision of him joining HEAT.

I've never liked how he acted in some ways.

At times, he tend to answer reporters with a note of arrogance.

At times, he behaved like a kid with no respect for the game.

Most notoriously, the incident of him dancing in the bulls game

which resulted in words exchanged between him and Joakim Noah.

I really hope that this new trio

brings 100% on the court.

It's okay to laugh and have fun

but respect is as important as anything else.

Analysing the LeBron situation however,

He's made the right choice.

Not a bias statement but yes, that is the right decision.

LeBron is talented and as talented as he is

Everything he do WILL be criticized.

A reported asked an excellent question.

If he goes to New York, people will question that he's going there for the FAME.

If he goes to Miami, people will question that he's RELYING on others to win him a RING.

If he returns to Cleveland, people will question that he's EGO and wants to be the MAIN GUY.

So tell me

Which of these, sad to say, UGLY situations

would you choose?

No doubt, Miami.

I'd do the same.

I don't care if you say anything else about me

Because I'd know that if I win the ring, it's because I did it the right way.

I did it WITH my team.

When you win a ring on your own, you get credit.

When you win a ring with a team, the credit is gone.

But either way,

YOU GET THE RING

To up that decision

Winning as a team and sharing the glory

makes everyone looks good.

Next
Pat Riley promised and he delivered.
He made the impossible a reality.
All respects to Pat Riley.

Honestly I never liked the way he handled things
As in the way he would give up anything to take what he believed
would work
Never my style but this time round
He's done it.
Amazing? Pat Riley is.

Erik Spoelstra remains coach
But this time, it's the most important step in his career.
He's going to have to prove that he has what it takes
to coach this all-star caliber team.
I've always liked him and hopefully
Coach Spoelstra succeeds.

Mario Chalmers remains on the team
but is uncertain if he will be the back-up PG or a starter

Michael Beasley will be going to the Timberwolves
I've liked him a lot and
sadly to say, HEAT had to make this move.
Hopefully he's going to deliver and fulfill his potential
He's talented, he truly is.

And if EVER one day he comes back
scorching us for a 30+ pts, 10+ rebs game
I'd take that.
That would show the talent he's had and something
that Miami HEAT has failed to flourish.

All the best Mike!

It is reported that Mike Miller has agreed on a deal with the HEAT.
This guy is tough
I can clearly remember how he went through pain
earlier against the HEAT last season.
Despite the injuries he had, his toughness impressed me.
A terrific shooter.
Looking forward to his services.

Happiest news that changed my mind about the HEAT?
This guy is most likely coming back.
When you want to talk about loyalty in the HEAT
Bring Udonis Haslem back
and you would prove it already.
Came in together with Wade and constantly doing all the dirty work.
Gave up starting position for Beasley to flourish.
Despite being undersized PF, his career averages nearly a double-double.
If you don't give him a spot on the roster
I seriously don't know who else would deserve it.

These other guys above
Jamaal Magloire, Quentin Richardson, Joel Anthony (Already with offer from HEAT) and Dorell Wright are the other guys
who reportedly have been in contact with HEAT

I don't know other details
but hopefully they work something out.
Bring them back
Especially Wright and Q-Rich
Good friends with Wade means good chemistry.

I have no doubts about Riley.
If he can already bring 3 terrific guys in
what else is he not capable of?

With that
I end my crazy fan-post about the Miami HEAT.
Well until then.
When the season starts
it's time to party!

Let's go HEAT!!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

2010-07-10T07:39:00.002+08:00

Shocker.

The Miami HEAT eventually became the winner of Free Agency

by landing all big Three in Miami

Nets, Knicks did so much work beforehand

in hopes of landing James.

It's over for them.

Lucky for Bulls, they still have a strong roster

much stronger than past season.

What I hate most

The Cleveland people.

What is going to happen to them?

To have their best player, probably even in the NBA

stripped away from them, what's going to happen for them?

Their anguish to burn James jersey

Cavaliers owner opening a letter to rip LeBron for his in-your-face decision

I am still half-half in this decision.

I am not going to lie though

At first, when Wade and Bosh agreed on this

I thought that we're going to have a top team next year.

BUT

immediately with James in the equation

We are ready to contend for championship.

HOWEVER

I hate the after-effect of all these.

HEAT is and will forever be a First-class organization.

But what we have done to the other teams, especially Cleveland,

and even the NBA

is pretty unacceptable.

We took away the hope of a city.

We disrupted the NBA's balance by gathering 3 very good players in one team.

We just became the MOST-HATED franchise in the NBA.

The WORST

we stripped our very own HEAT team

just to land all 3 of them.

What happened to the talk about loyalty?!

Don't get it wrong

HEAT has always been my team.

I love Dwyane wade and how the team runs things.

Udonis? D-Wright? Q-Rich?

I still want these guys back.

Come on HEAT

DO SOMETHING.

Udonis is like the Derek Fisher to Dwyane Wade.

They came in during the same year

and nonetheless, they've been good friends all along.

Most of all, HEAT fans love UD.

He's been giving his 100% to this organization every time.

If you want talk about loyalty

back it up

bring HASLEM back.

D-Wright, Q-Rich and D-Wade

are known as the 1-3-5 in the HEAT.

They are good buddies and there is

awesome chemistry between them.

Loyalty again?

Bring 1-3-5 back.

This team will NEVER be the same without them.

You know how I feel now?

We just gave away EVERYTHING to WIN.

I understand winning is important.

but if I have to give up loyalty and home

I'd rather not win.

There are things you cannot buy

at worst, they take away your moral

something that makes you who you are

Yes, I will still be HEAT fan no matter what

but before that

HEAT better do something.

I really hope those guys return.

2010-07-08T05:17:00.004+08:00

It's official.

Wade is returning to HEAT

and Bosh is joining the HEAT

However, it's still unsure if Bosh is signing a five year deal

or a sign-and-trade for a six year maximum deal.

The difference is near $30-million depending on how he signs.

Of course I hope he signs the five year deal.

You want to win, you gotta sacrifice.

Take lesser amount and let the Organization

use the rest of the money to build a complete roster.

Remember the good old saying?

Talent wins you game but

Teamwork wins you championships.

Wade and Bosh doesn't mean Championship... yet.

So now, let Riley and gang work out the rest of the equation

and hopefully, within the next 2 seasons

we are ready to contend.

Upon hearing that news

I was so darn excited because

of all the waiting for decisions

and Wade had seriously considered bolting for Bulls.

Whatever.

As of now, the drama ends.

LeBron is left to tell his decision on ESPN

and

HEAT will not rest until they have work out the rest of the roster.

Real tired

but heading to school now.

Hopefully, I will hear better news later in the day.

Be back soon!

2010-07-06T01:16:00.000+08:00

Shouldn't this place be an avenue for

expressing my views?

Why do I fear so much to write

how I feel?

Everyone has their own set of values and principles

It's good to live by them.

It's okay to tell people how you think

as long as you don't tell them

that they should think that way.

Because different people have different views.

And none of us have the right to force our opinions on someone else.

Oh well. whatever...

---

Anyway, Free Agency is somewhat of a stress process now.

Is Wade going to leave Heat?

If he leaves it's understandable

But I hope he doesn't.

I can't speculate now, neither do I want to.

Just wait for a few more days before decisions are finalized.

Hopefully, this Free Agency turns out

good for the HEAT.

---

I'm 1/3 through season two of The Mentalist

and stars for a cause 2 is on XinMsn.

So yeah, more shows to watch.

I will blog more when I have thoughts.

See ya.

2010-07-01T20:28:00.003+08:00

Free Agency 2010 is officially open.

Teams are already looking to hunt down awesome free agents

in hopes of reviving their championship run.

So far, Miami Heat has been nothing short of great.

Lots of stories circling around them.

Even the crazy idea of LeBron-Bosh-Wade idea was thrown in.

Wade is 90% coming back to the HEAT but he wants help.

He's even trying to pull people over.

One rumor is that Chris Bosh is really looking to join HEAT.

But it comes at a cost because the Raptors ain't gonna go empty handed.

They were gonna want Chalmers, Beasley and Anthony for Bosh.

I hate that trade but I want bosh.

Yet Riley already claimed that he is going to build around

Chalmers and Beasley as well.

Is he keeping to his promise?

I hope so.

But is he also going to do anything to make HEAT contenders?

I think so.

So far, these are the people I really hope to see in the HEAT.

Veterans:

Dwyane Wade

Quentin Richardson

Udonis Haslem

Young Core:

Dorrell Wright

Mario Chalmers

Michael Beasley

Joel Anthony

DeSean Butler (could be a steal of the draft)

Dexter Pittman (Tough guy and willing to learn)

Jarvis Varnado (Terrific shot blocker with long arms)

I love Bosh, he's going to be terrific.

But we need to pay a price to get him.

I hope Riley works something out.

Other Free agents we can consider?

Joe Johnson, David Lee, Brandon Haywood

and Raymond Felton.

Whatever it is, let's hope the Heat works something out.

I'm tired so off to sleep I go.

Today's presentation went great.

Now more motivation to go on.

Kudos :]

2010-06-30T00:08:00.002+08:00

I find myself really emotional

when it comes to nature

and all these global issues..

I don't know why.

I can get really upset and disheartened by

some of the on-going mistakes that we are refusing to change.

We have rights

but that doesn't mean we decide what to do

with animals all the time.

Unless with specific reasons, that's unacceptable.

But we let our greed take over

and that's it. We hurt them more than they hurt us.

Can we imagine

what if we switched places?

Can we imagine

ourselves locked up in cages

Can we imagine

Our ears being cut off just like shark fins are cut off - Alive.

Can we imagine

ourselves being skinned alive just like how fur are obtained?

Can we imagine

ourselves being deprived in such a way even?

It's... hard to even imagine it.

All the fear in you. That desire to stay alive.

That is probably what goes through these animals' minds

Too bad

They can't speak.

We may never know.

For that, we never learn to understand them.

But if we try...

if we try.

We can make a difference.

You will never know...

until we actually try.

2010-06-28T23:47:00.005+08:00

I have a lot in mind.

But I am not going to tell them here.

Ironic huh?

Because this is my blog yet I am not typing my feelings here.

There's bound to be disagreement

and

I don't really want that.

I don't hate human beings.

No, I don't.

I love my family.

I love my friends.

I love people who are out there to make a difference.

I am probably not the type to express my feelings that well.

But I have my ways of showing concern.

Just not so straight-forward.

In any case, why do I seem to be so pessimistic towards human?

First of all, let me clarify.

I don't hate human beings totally.

I am just stating my opinion.

Most of us are selfish, admit it.

I am a selfish person.

But that doesn't mean that I think that everyone is.

Everyday, there's probably someone out there

trying to make a difference among the billions of people living on this planet.

Look at this world, how many of these problems are actually not caused by us?

I would be surprised if you could even name me a few.

The thing is

I am not trying to say all of us are bastards, assholes

what-have-we-done-to-this-world-for-crying-out-loud crap.

Because as I talk, does it make a difference?

No it doesn't.

Think logically.

We get meat from poultry.

We get herbs from plants.

We get milk from cow, shark fins, animal skins for clothings whatever.

Animals and mother nature gave us all these.

What do we give back in return?

To put it nicely, they gave us.

But in reality, we took it.

While they have been giving and we have been taking, we are the ruler.

It's ironic isn't it?

I am being realistic.

I am admitting mistakes before it's too late to even do anything.

Sometimes I feel sad because

we really destroy things without having to understand them.

It's not just in mother nature.

We sometimes get too upset over issues that lead to some

problems in life.

It's the same thing.

It's hard to say anything here.

It's just too complicated an issue.

That's all people.

Good night.

The animals of the world exist for their own reasons. They were not made for humans any more than black people were made for white, or women created for men. ~Alice Walker

This world is beautiful.

It is.

Learn to appreciate it.

2010-06-23T20:13:00.006+08:00

It's been one after another.

I've been learning so many things

within such a short span in time.

From blowing my top

to having a friend and a few adults

enlightening me about the realities of life.

They aren't anything bad.

In fact, I've learnt so much.

From dealing with things in a more mature way

to learning about the responsibility of being an adult.

All these come with one simple attribute -

experience

As of now,

I guess I am just an apprentice of life.

I do feel the change in myself

the more mature way of seeing things.

But only if the people around me feel it as well

that's when it truly matters.

Here I would like to say...

I watch documentaries not to degrade human beings

Many of us are selfish, not all.

There are a few out there, desperately voicing out

among the billions of people on this planet.

If you care, don't question what their motives are.

Because we all fear what we do not know.

But if we all take a step forward to learn and understand.

We could make a difference.

I would like to end this post

with a quote I've watched from the movie Sharkwater.

---

"I think the problem is, that we don't understand what we are. In essence we're, uh, you know, just a conceited naked ape, but in our minds we're some sort of divine legend and we see ourselves as some sort of god, that we can just walk around the Earth deciding who will live and who will die, and what will be destroyed and what will be saved. But the fact is, we're just a bunch of primates out of control.

We're now in the midst of a Third World War, but this time the enemy is ourselves and the objective is to save the planet from ourselves. There is no hope for the masses of humanity to do anything. They never have, they never will. All social change comes from the passionate intervention of individuals or small groups of individuals.

Slavery wasn't ended by any government or any institution. Women got the right to vote not because of any government. The civil-rights movement, the same thing- India with Mahatma Gandhi, South Africa with Nelson Mandela. Again, it's always individuals. You need those individuals with the passion and the energy to get involved. In fact, I don't know of any governments or institutions that are doing anything to solve any of these problems. All over the world, though, I am seeing individuals and non-government organizations that are passionately involved in protecting ecosystems and species, and that's where I see some optimism that's where results are happening."

- Paul Watson

2010-06-22T23:34:00.004+08:00

Life is amazing.
That is something I truly believe.
But it will only be amazing if you believe in it.

For the past 20 minutes or so
I've been typing and deleting
because I can't seem to express my thoughts.

So now
I guess I am just going to forget about it.
Haha :]

Been watching documentaries
I love them
You see beautiful things and more importantly
they make you think about life.

Starting to watch The Mentalist
It's really interesting and unique
We see different side of the characters
and it isn't as dark as other American dramas.

Been trying to get myself more discipline.
Because this month is going to be awesome
and perfect timing to warm up for p2.

That's all people.
Morning class tomorrow.
Cheers!

Some days are good.
Some days are bad.
Whatever it is
You just gotta learn and make the best of it.

2010-06-21T01:13:00.007+08:00

I'm always trying to be perfect.

It's about time to change.

Even if it takes for me to

take a step back and lose pride

I will do so.

I just wanna make up for what I did.

Friday evening

Chang Xu called me out to play basketball

and there were only the 2 of us.

I asked him, "why all of a sudden?"

He said he just felt like playing after watching

the NBA finals.

That moment I felt so happy.

Because I wasn't the only one.

Like him, I feel the urge to play whenever

I finished watching some NBA clips or matches.

There's this strong emotion that tempts you to play.

Yeah, I finally found someone who's just like me

Someone as crazy as I am.

I love Ron Artest

I used to hate him because he's always creating trouble

instead of playing.

Then you realize it's not because he hates Kobe.

He's just jealous that Kobe is that good.

But look at them now, they are like best buddies.

What I like about Ron is that

He's so real.

He's just being himself.

I was laughing my ass off as I watched his post-game interview.

You can't helped

but feel happy for him.

He won his first championship

and was genuinely happy about it.

But even that, he did not forget to mentioned

about his past.

That he could have won a ring with the Pacers

when he was younger.

Yet he felt like he walked out on them

and got this ring for himself instead.

Things like that show you what kind of a person he is.

For that,

Ron Artest deserves my respect.

NBA has proven that teamwork

wins you championship.

When you look at the Lakers and Celtics

They are just like a family

the bond and strength they bring to one another

is what brings them closer to the top.

It's really amazing isn't it.

With that

Good night people.

Pride is a strong thing
I will do my best and
learn to put it aside and
see things a better way.

2010-06-19T14:47:00.007+08:00

First of all

Congratulations to Los Angeles Lakers

Champions of NBA 2009-2010

Really awesome game 7

They came back in the 4th and won the game.

I have to admit, I hate the Celtics

But hey, I also have to admit

They are darn good.

Doc Rivers has been an awesome coach for Celtics.

Really, looking back

Critics were writing that Celtics were too old to contend.

But look at them now.

They beat Wade and the Heat

Then LeBron and the Cavaliers

Next Howard and the Magic

They knocked down 3 superstars.

What can you really defer from that?

Whatever it is, (sorry i still hate Celtics)

Well done Celtics.

For whatever you have done, thanks for the exciting playoffs.

Basketball has been my sweet escape.
Escape from reality for just a few hours of an entire week.

To forget whatever stress and problems I have in life
Just doing what I love on the court.

You know, on the court
You just gotta go out hard and serious

Rebounds, steals, assists, scoring and even defense.
You need to constantly be running, moving around
making yourself useful to get them done.

Its really free out there
Because if you want it, then you gotta go grab it.
And for me, I want it.
What really matters to me most
is that I'm doing something I love out there.

Of course
when the basketball session ends, it's back to reality
I cannot escape it
No one can. You can't run forever.
Some point in time
You gotta face them and come to a conclusion.

I find it hard to put it in words.
Whatever I will say is probably something
everybody knows.

Things about getting a job, earning cash
Helping out the family.
Things about really making a difference now
building stepping stones for your career in the future.
Instead of thinking about basketball all the time.

If you know me well enough
More than half of the time whenever I'm free
I'm either
1) checking NBA news
2) watching NBA mix on youtube
3) Playing real basketball or NBA 2K9
4) watching NBA matches
5) Searching for basketball documentaries or movies

And I know my friends
even my basketball buddies
get annoyed with my overly-passionate side of basketball
They probably just don't answer
or change their topics every time.
But hey I really appreciate them for even listening to me.

My stubborn side is killing me
I can tell.
I know I am learning things the hard way
Even maybe hurting some people along the way.

I am a selfish guy I come to realize.
I am ignorant I come to realize.
Many of the bad things.
It's not really about thinking on the positive now.

Because I think I've been way too positive in life.
Like always thinking I'm nice
I'm friendly
I'm understanding
these and that.

I probably live in such a manner I think everything that happens around me
will never be bad.
I find it hard to accept things, things bad about me.
Not as in I can't take criticisms but
more or less like
"Why am I so selfish? Why am I so..."
Things like that... I will keep thinking about them.

I am like a lost little boy now.
I'm 18 and many things will be coming at me.
Not too many nice ones I will have to think.
I've never been so lost before.

Nothing much to say.
So yeah. Good bye.

2010-06-17T22:04:00.002+08:00

Ever since the holidays began..

Some more it ended on a low note.

Things have been coming at me one after another

I feel like I really need a break.

A small break wouldn't hurt... right?

But I guess I can't afford to.

I don't know.

My low self esteem is growing.

I know it's not the time to bring myself down.

It's not the time to be thinking so much.

It's not time to be giving up, the world doesn't stop for me.

I should be thinking about how to get out of all these crap situations.

But the thing is

I have really no idea how.

I am coming to realize myself

as such a selfish individual.

Maybe those conflicts were just my fault?

I really don't know.

I can tell you I am still clear in the head.

I am thinking about how I can solve all these problems.

I even compare myself to the rest

and ask myself, why am I in this state now?

While everyone is happy and focus

I am there, lost and wandering.

It's not that I am emo-ing or whatever

I just don't know what to do.

I can't keep everyone happy.

Furthermore I am making myself feel the worse.

I really just want time alone.

Don't ask me out or anything.

Give me time, don't stress me out.

Lemme get myself out of this crappy state.

And hopefully, I will be my crazy self again.

Still got a brief to work on.

Bye.

Lakers stay focus

and win that damn Larry O'Brien Trophy tomorrow.

2010-06-11T10:59:00.003+08:00

Felt better after a good sleep

and ranting on the blog.

Really needed that.

Though I am still a little upset.

I can't hold on to it for too long.

Like I said, anger doesn't do you any good.

You may even get more people upset

when you throw attitude at them unknowingly.

So I just wanna let myself cool down.

And soon enough everything will be fine.

I also happened to find some good websites

where i can get clips of past NBA matches

Been wanting to watch Heat vs Bulls 2OT from last season.

Hopefully I can get my hands on it :D

Bye.

2010-06-10T23:51:00.000+08:00

I promised not to swear too much.

Right now...

I don't really wanna give a fuck.

You know

I really wonder if I just happened to be a fucking asshole

or just some fucking easy-going guy?

I go for the Fucking Asshole.

Since that's probably what some of you may think.

Anger is a scary thing

Something that can change anything and make them irreversible.

Anger makes us nothing but Fucking Selfish Bastards.

Because when we are angry, it seems as though the whole world is against us.

But you really wanna know how scary or annoying anger can be?

I am in the PERFECT mood to show you how

So read on and get the fucking message.

First of all, as I am writing this post

I wonder how many people who have read will be offended.

I even had second thoughts but I just went "Nah."

In the first place, This is my fucking blog.

I have all the fucking right to be typing my feelings.

If you guys have the right to be angry

Don't I have it too?

Selfish thoughts already ain't it??

Honestly speaking

I think I am an extremely easy-going guy.

Even the task of asking for money back from someone

seems like a hard task for me.

I will think that I shouldn't be so stingy.

I tolerate things most of the time

even if sometimes when I feel the urge to shoot back

I tell myself

"This is a small matter, I don't have to blow it up. Let it go."

Yup, so I become guilty and there,

everything goes fine after that.

Yeah, so right now I make everything sound as though I'm

the good guy just being nice.

Selfish impression ain't it?

---

Let's say you have a seemingly nice day

and out of the blue

some guy or girl just starts giving you attitude

and makes you ponder why.

At first you ask yourself if you've done anything wrong.

Then you try and clarify and it fails.

Or maybe you think again and have no idea what is really wrong.

Or maybe you think that you didn't even do anything wrong!

You know what?

FUCK all those.

Because no matter what it is

This fucking shit call Anger just took over your friend

and to him or her, nobody else is right, only he or she is.

Anger gives us the urge to win

whether or not the consequences will be horrendous.

You won't even feel your heart when you are angry.

That's selfish isn't it?

You just want the other party to goddamn give in

and let you win the war.

---

Why am I so upset today?

Because I am FUCKING SICK AND TIRED of getting BS.

Maybe I'm too nice?

Or I have flaws I can't see?

Then FUCKING come in my face and tell me

I may get angry but I will make the effort to change.

Don't FUCKING get all upset and throw me attitude

How's that gonna make the situation any better?

It just makes me more upset

Because in the first place I may even think that I've done nothing wrong

and yet I'm getting the fucking attitude from any of you?!

So Tell me

If you were in my fucking shoes

Do you think you deserve to be treated that way

when everything seems to be fine?

Or sometimes maybe some things are minor issues

Or can't be helped yet you get unpleasant comments.

Tell me, honestly

How would any of you feel?

So am I supposed to reverse time for you?

So am I supposed to apologize a million times

or beg you for forgiveness?

So am I supposed to go out there and do anything for you?

FUCK OFF.

I DON'T OWE YOU.

In the first place, if I made the effort to do something

and you are not happy with it

The least you can do is to shut up

or tell me in the nicest way possible

to not repeat the mistake because you are uncomfortable with it.

Or if it can't be helped

then you guys gotta accept it because there is really nothing I can do to change it.

Who gave any of you the right to attitude me?

Do I fucking owe any of you?

Am I your fucking servant?

Selfish? If I am, so are you guys.

Most of the time I choose to keep quiet.

Because I don't want to make things awkward.

I hate awkwardness.

So after saying all those

and any of you happened to be offended by me

I'm guessing you're telling me to fuck off and attitude back.

Now tell me, if I retaliate

does it do you any good?

Do you think you will feel happy to be insulted back?

FUCK NO.

You will just get more annoyed

and there goes the whole cold war thing.

Have any of you maybe thought

that while you've given me attitude

as though I owe it to you

Have I ever given any of you any?

I dare say I have only gotten really angry a few times

my entire life.

The most will be talking back in irritated tone.

I even feel guilty after getting angry because

I may have hurt some people.

So I guess I should have just chosen to get angry back?

Will the other party fucking enjoy it?

Use some fucking brain and think.

There's no fucking way that's possible.

It will just worsen the entire situation.

---

So at the end of it

I may sound like I'm some selfish

or whining fucker

who's thinking that his life is screwed up

by all these small misunderstandings

and trivial issues.

You know what?

Look yourself in the mirror and tell me

Wasn't ANY OF YOU angry over all these TRIVIAL issues in the first place?

Wasn't ANY OF YOU behaving the way as I did

when you were angry?

I'm no fucking pushover

I'm willing to tolerate as long as things can be solved.

But don't act as though I owe any of you guys my life.

Because I don't.

Put yourself in my fucking shoes for once

and understand that while you have your problems

I have mine too.

I hate to get angry.

It's immature.

It's stupid.

It' doesn't make things any better.

While I can choose to say "FUCK MY LIFE"

I could have done something more meaningful.

My life isn't fucked up.

I can still eat and sleep well.

Look at those poor kids.

They have so much to worry about survival before even thinking about life.

While we are all fucking alive now

Shouldn't we be more appreciative of life?

Shouldn't we be more understanding?

Instead of winning these "wars"

shouldn't we be doing something more meaningful?

Because you don't fucking appreciate your life

You might as well fucking give it to someone else

who would appreciate it more.

I have no one else to turn to.

So I had to rant here.

I don't need anyone to come up to me

and tell me that I've fucking offended them with this post.

I don't give a shit.

If you can attitude, so can I.

At the end of all these

If any of you happened to be offended

Then I'm afraid you didn't learn anything.

But if any of you understand

how anger can be such a selfish and dumb thing

Then please

Do your best to control it.

I'm going to sleep

and let life go on as per normal.

I'm going to forget and start doing something more meaningful.

as long as I don't let this fucking thing call anger take over me.